Game 3: Big Dead 24, Raiders 18

This has literally been my first chance to resume the Preseason Challenge since last weekend, making the possibility very real that this will be the lamest P.C. EVER.

With an eye simply toward watching the preseason games of just the Rams' divisional rivals, let's fondly slip back in time to preseason week 1 for the contest between the Big Dead and the Raiders. Our first look at Kevin Kolb in “real” game conditions.

FIRST QUARTER
Sebastian Janikowski, who had 29 touchbacks last season, unsurprisingly banks the opening kickoff off the wall behind the end zone. This year's kickoff rule is going to turn out to be the dumbest rule change in NFL history. Kolb scrambles 15 for a first down after he and Larry Fitzgerald completely cross their wires adjusting to a Raider safety blitz on 2nd down. Kolb, already repeatedly having trouble finding open receivers, is hauled down after a second 3rd-down scramble to force the punt. Big Dead tackles look awful. Raiders DE Matt Shaughnessy pwning Arizona thus far. He's stuffed Beanie Wells for a loss, flushed Kolb to the sidelines and nearly intercepted a tipped pass.

50-yard DPI call on Jerod Johnson on a pass to the TE that was arguably not catchable in bounds puts Oakland in business at Arizona's 30. Darnell Dockett and Samson Satele start a fight after the next play. Dockett wins this possession. They've stuffed the Raider running game up the middle, and Dockett himself bats down Jason Campbell's 3rd down pass, forcing Oakland to settle for a 39-yard splash from SeaBass. Raiders 3, Big Dead 0

Next kickoff surprisingly only comes down at the goal line. Even more surprisingly, Larod Stevens-Howling only returns it out to the 13. Play-action bootleg pass to Todd Heap for 8 is followed by a stupefying 1-handed catch of a sideline bomb by Larry Fitzgerald for 43, beating tight coverage by rookie Demarcus Van Dyke. Somebody tell the Oakland announcers to watch the game on their monitors and they might see details like that. Unshaken, Van Dyke blankets Fitzgerald deep the next play. 17 more to Fitzgerald on a sideline hitch. Wells stiffarms, make that bitcharms, Van Dyke to the ground and gets inside the 10. Oakland announcers taking great pains to point out Oakland's twos are already in the game on defense. Fine, but what the blue hell are the Raiders doing taking their defensive starters out before the first quarter's even half over?

The second string proves to be more than enough for the Big Dead anyway. The Raiders stop Wells three times inside the three and get the ball back on downs. Tommie Hill and Derrick Hill, definitely not related, deliver key stops.

The Raiders get off their 1-yard line with aplomb. Michael Bush plows up the middle twice for 15, and Campbell hits Darius Hayward-Bey on the sideline for 15 more. TE Marcel Reece does his best Fitzgerald impression with a 1-handed catch of a screen pass for 5. Another first down after Campbell beats a blitz and hits Nick Miller for 5. Rookie A.J. Jefferson – hey, where's Patrick Peterson? - breaks up a sideline bomb for DH-B.

SECOND QUARTER
Campbell starts the 2nd hitting Denarius Moore, who RamView appears to have been completely right about heading into the draft, on a deep cross for 26. Seventh-round pick Moore, whom RamView lobbied for, has been the sensation of Raiders camp. He's doing just a little more than Austin Pettis so far, for instance. With Alex Barron apparently out for the season in New Orleans, Khalif Barnes decides to assume his role as False Start King. He's jumped twice already. Oakland follows that with a Chaz Schilens end-around that Arizona is all over. After a dumpoff to Bush sets SeaBass up for a 52-yard FG attempt, Barnes' THIRD false start sends Shane Lechler in for a splashback. Man, does the top of the 2005 draft class at tackle suck today, or what?

John Skelton now in to try to make his bones for Arizona. After a false start, Oakland blows the Big Dead offense up in the launching pad with a safety blitz and a corner blitz. Skelton lucky to chuck the ball away wildly twice without a turnover.

KYLE BOLLER actually leads a competent drive next for the Raiders. After Rock Cartwright cuts back for 10, Boller hits Miller for 10, the TE for 10 and Moore a couple of times, with a roughing the passer flag moving the ball down to the 12. Sam Acho let up on his rush and still got called for roughing. Knowing referee Ron Winter, if he had just sacked Boller, he would have avoided the flag. Arizona D stiffens up at the 10 and Oakland settles for another dish of SeaBass. Raiders 6, Big Dead 0

Hey, there's Peterson, the league's highest-paid kick returner. He brings a deep kick out to the 25. A juggling catch by Heap and a DPI get the Big Dead across midfield before a hold redacts a nice outside run by LS-H. Oakland announcers report Deuce Lutui is tipping the scales right now at 380. He's getting knocked backward at the line, though, like he's 280. Walter McFadden draws his THIRD DPI of the game to give Arizona a first down at the Raider 25.

Final 2:00 before halftime. Skelton to Early Freaking Doucet inside the 15. Cards actually overcome a false start and Skelton hits Steven Williams, beating Van Dyke for an over-exuberantly-celebrated TD with 0:25 left. Big Dead 7, Raiders 6

THIRD QUARTER
Ryan Williams opens the second half with a 12-yard run off the right side. Oakland safety Hiram Eugene has to be carted off after the play.

20-plus-yard back-shoulder throw to Steven Williams continues Walter McFadden's terrible night. Skelton buys time in the pocket very nicely the next play, gets forever to throw and hits Ryan Williams out of the backfield for 20-25 more. Draw to Ryan Williams down to the 20. Skelton settles for a dumpoff on 3rd-and-5 that's incomplete and would have been five yards short anyway. Jay Feely extends their lead from 42. Big Dead 10, Raiders 6

Failing to follow the time-honored “high and tight!”, Shaun Bodiford is stripped on the kick return but lucks out and recovers. Trent Edwards is the new Oakland QB. Thought you had to be able to throw farther than 10 yards downfield to be a Raider QB. Just when I say that, he hits Bodiford near the sideline for 14. Edwards completes a pass for four yards to... Edwards. Vonnie Holliday spiked the ball right back to him. Moore makes me look bad with a terrible drop. 15 more to Bodiford, and suddenly Trent Edwards can QB in the NFL again. Just when I say that, he fumbles the snap for a loss. Edwards goes up top for Derek Hagan, who's beaten free agent signing Richard Marshall downfield by 5 yards. Would have been a TD if Edwards could throw the ball over 30 yards; Hagan has to fair-catch it at the 5-yard line instead.

And the underthrow costs them. Louis Rankin does nothing on two handoffs and Moore can't do anything against Marshall on a fade route. Raiders settle for a little more SeaBass. Big Dead 10, Raiders 9

New Arizona QB is Richard Bartel – what happened to Max Hall? Possession goes throwaway, stuffed run, sideline pass three yards short of receiver. Viva preseason!

Moore loses a 68-yard punt return to a blatant block in the back, which is what sprung him. Cards get away with 3rd-and-long blitz to force a dumpoff and a punt. Somebody whose name is pronounced JawJew strips Andre Roberts on the return almost simultaneously to his knee hitting the ground. Good challenge, difficult call for the ref on the field. Oh, and JawJew is spelled Gbadyu.

Challenge succeeds for Oakland, and they now have the ball on the Big Dead 18. Tom Flores calls for a play-action pass from the TV booth, and he's still got it, as Edwards hits David Ausberry, who appears to do a fine tightrope act to stay in bounds for the TD. Right foot in, drug the left toe, should count.

The mandatory booth review of the score costs the Raiders a point. They decide to go for two during the official break, and Hamza Abdullah blitzes in and blows the hell out of the play. Raiders 15, Big Dead 10

Kickoffs are suddenly short here after halftime; Arizona's been getting out to the 25-30. Sam Williams hauls Alfonso Smith down a mile out of bounds to quickly put the Cards at midfield. Oh, you Raiders. Bartel fires deep for Demarco Sampson, who beats Jerome Boyd on a corner route for 38. Not a great sequence for Alf Smith after that: stuffed for 2 yards, lets ball soap through his hands at the 2 yard line. Rookie TE Rob Housler bails him out with a TD catch. Cards TD play there looked like Josh McDaniels drew it up. Big Dead 17, Raiders 15

Illegal wedge on the kickoff backs the Raiders up on their 9. Michael Bennett jostles his way out to the 18.

FOURTH QUARTER
Bennett goes up the middle for 11 on 3rd-and-2, then stutter-steps for 5 more. He was a free agent this offseason; I'm surprised he didn't get more action. Edwards misses a receiver by a mile on 2nd down and gets sacked by Brandon Sharpe while trying to flee the pocket on 3rd down.

Marshay Green loses a 25-yard punt return due to penalty. They still start at their 30, and move easily across midfield on a pass to Isaiah Williams and two Alf Smith runs. Hee, Al Saunders is the Oakland offensive coordinator? Where the hell have the 12,000 smoke routes been tonight? Doesn't look like Saunders brought his son along with him to Oakland, either. Rollout pass to Housler, who's looked quite good tonight, gets Arizona to the 30 before Sterling Moore breaks up a lollipop pass from Bartel. A good CB would have been closer to the receiver on that play and picked it off. Perhaps sensing that, Moore buries Bartel on a blitz to make it 3rd-and-22. Bartel one-hops one to I. Williams to bring in the punt team.

8:28 left, Raiders at their 10. They almost 3-and-out, but Edwards hits Kevin Brock to steal a first down, then scrambles out to the 40. Another completion to Brock gets them to midfield, and a defensive holding call puts them at the Arizona 25 with 3:23 to go. Oakland capitalizes on that flag with a delay-of-game. Viva preseason! Rankin continues a miserable night – why did Oakland take Bennett out? - by dropping a pitchout for a 7-yard loss. NOW Bennett's back in. 3rd-and-22, Edwards ends up throwing a bubble screen into the ground. BRILLIANT CALL, SAUNDERS!

Oakland brings SeaBass in for a 58-yard attempt, and he drills it, as NFL kickers' summer of domination continues. Josh Brown scoffs at Janikowsi's FG. 58 yards is a chip shot! Raiders 18, Big Dead 17

Cards at their 32 with 2:32 left, but I'm not sure how determined they are to actually win since they have Max Hall at QB. Hall gets Arizona quickly to the Oakland 40, though, thanks largely to a missed tackle that gives up a big gain to Chansi Stuckey. Completion to Sampson at the 30, then a short pass to I. Williams on a crossing pattern, and he has the whole right side of the field to himself, and a good block downfield from Sampson, for an apparent TD. Replay shows he stepped out at the 4, though. Booth review somehow does not agree, and Arizona gets the TD. Actually, the correct call would have benefited Arizona – Oakland still gets about 40 seconds to score. Big Dead 24, Raiders 18.

Full credit to Ken Whisenhunt for not going for two here and setting up a potential preseason tie, btw. And a surprisingly nice drive for Max Hall.

Raiders will have to travel 83 yards in 35 seconds for the win. Not like he's going to get cut, but it's odd that Patrick Peterson is still on the field. Green breaks up a Hail Mary to force 4th-and-2, and one Ryan Nnabuife breaks up the final attempt. Win for Arizona.

Final score: Big Dead 24, Raiders 18.

Player of the game: I'll give the game ball to Skelton, but it's meant for all of the Big Dead QBs, who I thought fared surprisingly well. Kolb and Fitzpatrick have already started to click, and all the backups looked capable, leading Arizona to two TDs in two-minute drills.

What have we learned: There's a clause in the last paragraph Rams Nation really does not want to hear: Kolb and Fitzpatrick have already started to click. That's enough to revive division title hopes in the land of the Pink Taco Dome. Big Dead do still keep some of their glaring weaknesses from last year. Their offensive line looks bad, especially the tackles, and their running game was epic fail close to the goal line. Hate to do it, but I'm going to have to put Arizona back on the radar. As for Oakland? Same old Raiders. A lot of talent they can never quite put all together, and a lot of dumb penalties. They bear watching because they showed signs of breaking out last season, but tonight didn't tell us a whole lot positive beyond SeaBass' gigantic leg. (Josh Brown still scoffs.)

Up next: need to scout the Eggles for Opening Day, so I'm jumping to their third preseason game, where they'll face the Browns and Pat Shurmur's Million-Dumpoff March.