Game 6: Philadelphia 28, Jacksonville 27

We jump right back in with a matchup between two infrequent opponents, though two of my favorites to misspell: the Eggles and the Jagwires in Philadelphia. Donovan McNabb's old team will try to match the success of his old team in week 1. The Eggle broadcast crew has Charlie Casserly and a bunch of people I've never heard of.

Kevin Kolb will launch the Eggles from the 24. Very solid pocket on first down and he hits DeSean Jackson with a nice quick slant pass over the middle that Jackson takes off with for 21. After two LeSean McCoy carries for 5, Kolb scrambles out of double-trouble on 3rd down and scrambles for 6. Kolb gets forever off a draw fake the next play and guns to Jeremy Maclin a l l a l o n e in the middle of the field for 30. After McCoy goes off right tackle for 4, Kolb's nearly picked off by Gerald Alexander on 2nd down and Brent Celek bobbles a rifle pass out the back of the end zone on third down. Very nice pace to the Eggle offense early, but it takes David Akers to put them on top. Eggles 3, Jagwires 0

David Garrard's first pass is batted back in his face by Brodrick Bunkley. Quick hitch to Mike Sims-Walker gets only a couple. The drive finishes with a short out to Marcedes Lewis three yards short of the first down. Lewis was coming back for that ball and NEVER would have gotten a first down out of it. Probably smart of the Jagwires to work on their passing game in the preseason. The early returns: They'd better be able to run.

Kolb gets the Eggles out of a 3rd-and-8 hole by stepping up and drilling Celek in the middle of the field at the 46, then out of a 3rd-and-10 hole by drilling Jackson at the Jagwire 28. McCoy then pounces up the middle for 8 more. That's followed by the 2010 debut of the Michael Vick Project. Vick rolls left and hits Celek in the flat down to the 14. Gene Steratore bogs down the Eggle momentum with a holding call. Jags make a key play to tip away an end zone pass to a wide-open Maclin and hold Philadelphia to another Akers boot. Eggles 6, Jagwires 0

Well-blocked kick return to the 44 for former SIU Saluki Deji Karim. Garrard and Maurice Jones-Drew appear to muff their first handoff and it loses 2. Garrard sidearms to MJD for 6. Sims-Walker fails to hang onto the third-down pass as the Jagwire passing game continues to sputter. Don't know how the Eggles managed not to block the punt; a guy came in clean. Jags make them regret it by downing the punt at the 1.

Kolb hits Jason Avant short and gets a gift from the referees on a poor slant pass well behind Maclin in the form of a DPI call on Rashean Mathis. So. On the field tonight, there's a DeSean, a LeSean, a Rashean, and a just-Sean (Considine, who broke up a pass earlier). McCoy fires up the middle for 10, and Jackson takes an end-around for 17 while being barely touched, thanks especially to a wicked juke on Anthony Smith. That ends the first quick first quarter this summer.

End of first quarter: Eggles 6, Jagwires 0.

Vick takes over at QB to start the 2nd and immediately hits Riley Cooper with a perfect 46-yard bomb inside the 10. Pat Shurmur doesn't even dream of calling that play, let alone seeing it run successfully by Rams players. A penalty dings the Eggles, followed by Scott Starks breaking up a pass, followed by Larry Hart just barely tripping Vick on a scramble attempt, which was big, because on 3rd and goal, Derrick Harvey sacks Vick, and as we see on replay after the commercial break, also batted the ball free backwards out of his throwing hand, creating a fumble that Smith scoops up and returns to the 44. I'm not a Vick fan, at all, but the Jagwires were on him in about two seconds there and Harvey made a heck of a nice play. I'm not sure Vick had time even to secure the ball better than he did.

Garrard strikes Mike Thomas over the middle at the Eggle 40 as the Jagwires not only keep the starters in but appear to have gone to a no-huddle offense. Next, though, a screen pass laughably far over the intended receiver's head, a flare for 7 and a slant pass laughably behind Sims-Walker. On 4th down, Sims-Walker fails to come up with a deep seam pass over his head around the 10. Marc Bulger drunk is a more accurate passer than David Garrard.

I spend the commercial break trying desperately not to fall in love with Eggles sideline reporter Jamie Apote, a younger, blonde Suzy Kolber with the husky voice happening and everything.

Vick drills Jordan Norwood near midfield for a first down. They really want to see him throw. Classic Vick play next - he sprints away from a corner blitz and fires one up the sideline, but not quite good enough for the receiver to keep his feet in bounds. Eldra Buckley is apparently RB2 in Philly but he isn't getting much of anywhere. Cooper is, though, beating a hold by William Middleton to make a catch inside the Jagwire 40. Vick then beats a blitz by swinging a pretty screen pass to Buckley, who's all alone and gets upfield for 16-17 more. That was the first screen pass this preseason I actually enjoyed watching. 8 more to Buckley, who is knocked woozy. Vick next actually tries to look downfield and ignore the dreaded developing bubble screen, but ends up firing a blank into the ground. Foiled on the stupid bubble screen, the Eggles then go to the stupid draw play, which the Jagwires dutifully stuff to send Akers out yet again. Eggles 9, Jagwires 0

That was a pretty damn impressive drive for Vick, but the Eggles staff better get their shit together in the red zone.

Luke McCown QBing now for the Jags. Rashad Jennings is the new tailback. After a penalty - w-o-w, Wow, McCown rolls right, ignores the stupid dumpoff option to the fullback and fires a beautiful deep ball down the sideline to Troy Williamson, who beat Joselio Hanson downfield by five yards despite an illegal contact penalty. 73-yard TD. Eggles 9, Jagwires 7

5:30 left till halftime for Vick, from his 35. He follows a pretty 8-yard pass to Kelley Washington with a poor pass behind a wide-open Cooper over the middle. He simply sprints out up the sideline for 10 and a first down. I imagine that was designed. Alexander burns the snot out of Don Carey up the far sideline several plays later for about a 35-yard DPI. Eggles at the 12 as Vick's mobility and cannon arm are having a vintage-Vick effect on the Jagwire 2nd-string D. Classic Vick the next play, too, as pressure and lack of open receivers lead him to bounce outside, sprint up the sideline, fake Reggie Nelson completely out of his jock, and walk in for the TD. Another wow for tonight's game. Eggles 16, Jagwires 7

Hey, there's Bobby April on the Eggles sideline. I'm sure they'll be leading the league in special teams in no time, since he's great anywhere EXCEPT SAINT LOUIS. McCown at the 21, 2:19 in the half. He drills Williamson running free in the Eggle zone for 28. 2:00 warning comes as Luke tries to show Michael Vick's not the only gunslinger in the house tonight.

Jags come out of the 2:00 drill with a SMOKE ROUTE the Eggles promptly swallow up, and they don't follow that with a timeout. Why are you f'ing around with passes that aren't downfield then? McCown follows with a dart to TE Zach Miller for about 20, then after Steratore's Penalty Special of the Day, illegal contact, he throws a deadly-beautiful TD pass to one John Matthews splitting the zone at the goal line for a 31-yard TD. McCown and Vick both look like they should be starting QBs based on this game. Eggles 16, Jagwires 14

41 seconds is probably plenty for Vick to get the Eggles another score. He sprints out of trouble for 18 across midfield. Timeout. Vick then does set up a score. For Jacksonville. He spins out of trouble and fires an unfortunate pass directly to Michael Coe, who returns the interception up the sideline to the Eggle 26. Sorry, but that's the bad Vick his backers always seem to forget you get along with the good Vick who made the cool sprintouts earlier.

What a stupid play to end the half by the Jagwires. With :08 to go, they call for a pass, McCown scrambles around forever, and lets the ball go out of bounds with no time left on the clock.

Except the Eggles even more stupidly kept the half alive with an illegal hands to the face penalty. Josh Scoby drills the FG, and the Jagwires win the first half.

End of first half: Jagwires 17, Eggles 16.

Saluki Karim, who has thighs more befitting a Saint Bernard, weaves through BOBBY APRIL'S SPECIAL TEAMS for a 68-yard kick return to open the 2nd half. The Jags then befuddle me completely with a SMOKE PASS and a LINE PLUNGE to generate 3rd-and-8. DT Boo Robinson spooks his way up the middle untouched to hit McCown, forcing a bad pass and a long Scoby FG. Jagwires 20, Eggles 16

Sideline kink, or the worst re-enactment of "8 1/2 Weeks" ever, sees the Eggles mascot feeding Jamie Apote chocolate ice cream on the sideline. I've got nothing.

Vick pilots the Eggles from the 31. Surprisingly, it's a 3-and-out as a DT gets to Vick in the pocket and knocks the ball out of his hand. Guess who did that.

DOOZER!

WHAT THE? NFL Network takes a huge skip here and is going to force me to do a lot of Audiopass recon during the week, jumping from 11:15 left in the quarter all the way to 3:38. Thanks for creating the extra work for me, guys.

Eggles have the ball again, at the Jag 42. Still 20-16, Vick still at QB. One Chad Hall attains light speed around the right corner and gets up the sideline for 22. Not so successful up the middle: no gain. 5-yard completion continues the Chad Hall show. Vick rolls left but fires far too deep for a receiver in the corner of the end zone. Akers survives a roughing penalty by Coe and hits yet another FG. Jagwires 20, Eggles 19

Jags coil to spring from their 33 but false start before the camera can even get back on the field. That has to be a first. Another brilliant pass by McCown, to well-covered TE Mike Caussin at the 45. LB Moise Fokou goes down behind the play like he's been shot, which can't be good. He's helped off the field with what I imagine is a significant ankle injury.

Great Caesar's Ghost, when did Luke McCown become Kurt Warner? Another freaking perfect TD bomb, to Tiquan Underwood for 55 yards, beating Geoffrey Pope downfield by almost 5 yards. Some of the Jag WRs are flashing lethal deep speed tonight, and McCown, who's been mediocre at best most of his NFL career, is stealing the show. Jagwires 27, Eggles 19

Vick has metamorphosed into Mike Kafka for the rest of the game. Martell Mallett gains 10 off left tackle to end the third quarter.

End of third quarter: Jagwires 27, Eggles 19.

Kafka opens the 4th with a deep pass well short of Jared Perry, a receiver I don't remember playing for Mizzou, but who did. The Jag DB interfered blatantly on the play, though, making the pass look worse than it really was and giving the Eggles a penalty gain all the way to the 24. Two plays later, Mallett hammers his way up the middle and down to the 4. Just for the record, I got that pun in before the Eggles announcers did. Mallett pounds his way in for the TD the next play. The Eggles wouldn't dare go for two, would they? You don't go for the tie in the 4th quarter of a preseason game.

ANDY REID, YOU FAT BASTARD, DAMN YOU TO HELL FOR DARING TO VIOLATE RULE #1 OF PRESEASON GAMES. Kafka's pass comes up short of Mallett in the flat anyway, and the Eggles have to settle for 6. Jagwires 27, Eggles 25.

No doubt Reid will throw apples at Kafka on the sidelines during the break. Maybe at BOBBY APRIL, too, whose SPECIAL TEAMS allow (Beam Me Up) Scotty McGee a kick return out to midfield.

A particularly inopportune edit by NFL Network here, as we go from the Jags with the ball at midfield before the commercial and come back from the commercial with Akers having kicked his fifth FG of the game to give the Eggles the lead. Eggles 28, Jagwires 27 from literally out of nowhere.

Jags at their 33 with 9:00 to play, averaging over 37 yards per kick return tonight against BOBBY APRIL'S SPECIAL TEAMS. New Jagwire QB is - Trevor Harris? Of Edinboro? So he's Scottish? Harris gets off to about as good a start as Chris Mortenson's kid did in Tennessee a couple of years ago. He loses a yard after bobbling a bad shotgun snap, then, under heavy pressure, fires a bad sideline pass that's picked off by Trevard Lindley, maybe. The refs will review if he stayed in bounds.

Huh, Trevard Lindley and Riley Cooper were two of the very worst players I saw watching Senior Bowl Week coverage. Both are Eggles and having pretty good games tonight. Interesting, captain...

Huh, NFL Network cut out a huge chunk of game play during this half but is making us sit through an especially long official review delay here...

Really? NFL Network couldn't have shown us how Philadelphia GOT WHAT RIGHT NOW IS THE FREAKING GAME-WINNING FG instead of making us sit through this?

Steratore gets the call right, Lindley didn't have control out of the ball when he went out of bounds. The Rams needed Steratore in Cleveland last night. So it's 3rd-and-9 now for the Jagwires. The best Harris can do is throw a 2-yard pass to Karim, who gains about 7 before being taken down.

Another trial for Kafka here from his 16 with about 8:00 left. He underthrows Hall deep down the near sideline, and Hall can't quite make the comeback catch. Mallett gets nailed after 2 yards, and Hart and the oddly-numbered Jeremy Navarre, a DE wearing #46, get to Kafka to force a blank on 3rd down.

Idiot Jag returner McGee lost NINE running backwards with the punt so they're at their 26 with 6:49 to play. Chad Kackert, a 4th-quarter-player-in-preseason name if I ever heard one, sweeps right for 2. Harris throws a deep wobbler over everybody, and on third down... good grief, I thought Fokou was crippled for life earlier; here he is back on the field, stuffing a TE pass for 2 yards, and then dancing all over the field afterward. So much for that injured ankle. He showed no sign of injury whatsoever.

Eggles try to wear out the clock from their 40 with 5:00 left. Mallett gets a big first down on two carries. 2:52 left, Dobson Collins drops a perfect slant pass from Kafka. Norwood comes up a yard short on a smoke route with 2:36 left. Jagwires call timeout. Eggles punt.

2:00 opportunity for Harris from his 20. He hits Caussin for 10, then Matthews for 4 on the far sideline as the 2:00 warning officially hits.

Ha! The Eggles broadcast gave Akers their Player of the Game award.

Keenan Clayton sacks Harris on 2nd-and-6, and the overmatched rookie QB has to flee the pocket on 3rd down and has to fall on the ball after having it stripped. 4th and long, 1:13 left. MATTHEWS DOESN'T RUN THE MOST CRITICAL ROUTE OF THE GAME DEEP ENOUGH, and the Jags get 8 on 4th-and-9 as his effort for the comeback catch takes him back across the first-down line. Victory formation for Kafka from there.

Final score: Eggles 28, Jagwires 27.

Player of the game: I have to go with Vick. Sure, he was playing against 2nd-stringers, and he had two bad turnovers, but he flashed so much of his old form in an 11-17-119, 50 yards on 6 carries and a TD performance, he made himself very hard to ignore the rest of this preseason.

What did we learn: Jacksonville's best QB is their second-stringer, McCown. Andy Reid's got Kolb ready to play, but from a FFL perspective, I'll stay away from him because of Vick's potential to vulture stats away from him. The Eggles seriously lack quality depth in their secondary.

Up next: Gawd, no, it's my least-favorite preseason rivalry to start the next tape: Tampa Bay vs. Miami. May the football gods see fit to spare me with a game that's even remotely watchable. These two together usually aren't.

Game 5: Washington 42, Buffalo 17

So, week 1 of the NFL preseason is officially over and I'm already 13 games behind? Just another year of the Preseason Challenge. Up now, Bills vs. Redskins, a Super Bowl XXVI rematch and the D.C. debut of Donovan McNabb. Kenny Albert and Joe Theismann with the call for the Redskins Network.

You know, I used to pooh-pooh the issue for being so much political correctness, but after reading an article in S.I. from about a year ago about the integration of the NFL, I was shocked at how racist Redskins ownership was at that time. This franchise does not have a proud history. Knowing what I know now, they'll never move away from that racist past until they move to a new nickname. I recommend the Federals, Daniel Snyder. Think of the merchandising opportunities. Just change the yellow striping on the current uniform to blue and change up the helmet logo. Make it so.

Here's a link to that article. It's very good and talks a lot about the Rams, who were the first integrated team, but kind of had to have it forced on them. I'm overdue to restart a recommended reading section on ramview.com and will make sure this gets there.

Oh, the game. Devin Thomas absolutely butchers catching the opening kickoff and volleyballs it over to -Byron- Westbrook, who has to scramble to fall on it at the 16. Marcus Stroud swallows up a couple of runs but McNabb hits Chris Cooley for 11 and an initial 1st down. McNabb throws into a crowd at midfield 3 plays later to bring in the punt team. That was into a crowd of 4 Bills; damn lucky not to be intercepted. I should add for fantasy football purposes that Clinton Portis lined up first at RB, but no FFL player in their right mind should be taking a Mike Shanahan RB all that early anyway, should they?

Trent Edwards heads up the Buffalo herd at the 20. The Bills already have three starting o-linemen hurt; who do they think they are, the Rams? Fred Jackson gains 4 up the middle, cuts back for 7 the next play and draws a face mask at the end of that play. Edwards beats a blitz - sure, NOW Jim Haslett wants to blitz - by hitting Jonathan Stupar for 7. Smoke route to Lee Evans works for about 10. Screen to Corey McIntyre off play-action gains 11 more. Bills empty the backfield and Haslett blitzes - would have been nice if he would have done that ONCE with the Rams - and Edwards hits Roscoe Parrish on a slant for 7. Wow, Roscoe Parrish is still a Bill? A nice sweep right by Marshawn Lynch gets all the way down to the 2 but comes back for a hold. 3rd-and-13, Edwards settles for a pass to Lynch in the flat and London Fletcher brings him down a couple of yards short. 38-yard FG for Rian Lindell. Bills 3, Redskins 0

McNabb operating from the 20. False start, make it the 15. Portis gets 6 off right tackle, then Roydell Williams takes a quick hook, eludes Terrence McGee and scoots up the sideline for 22. Joey Galloway beats McGee deep by a couple of steps but McNabb can't hit him. A late hit by Aaron Maybin gives the Redskins a new set of downs at the Buffalo 39. Ryan Torain goes around right end for 6. McNabb scrambles for another first down. That was so exciting McNabb needed a timeout. He next drills Cooley down at the 10. Both teams have been throwing a lot out of the shotgun and empty backfields so far. Portis sweeps down to the 5 on 1st down and gets stopped at the 4 on 2nd down. Dude, you're not on my fantasy team; go ahead and score. Anthony Armstrong catches a bullet from McNabb at the goal line and fights through the very-picked-on McGee for the TD. Redskins 7, Bills 3

If the Bills had challenged that TD, it wouldn't have counted. Armstrong clearly did not extend the ball across the goal line until after he was down.

Bills will attempt a reply from their 27. C.J. Spiller shows NICE speed on his very first touch, bouncing right for 12. So what do the morons do next? Throw twice. A deep shot to Steve Johnson never has a chance, and a sideline pass for Evans is jumped by DeAngelo Hall and returned down to the 10.

McNabb's night is already over; Rex Grossman at QB for Washington. And as you might expect with Grossman at QB, the first couple of plays go nowhere.

End of first quarter: Redskins 7, Bills 3.

On 3rd down, Andra Davis commits illegal contact on Santana Moss at the goal line to give Washington new life. Keiland Williams, who's listed on Yahoo as the kick returner, takes it in on two tries from the 5. Redskins 14, Bills 3

Edwards to try again, from the 25 this time. Oh for God's sake, they have Daniel Snyder in the broadcast booth. Big ego owners sure have no trouble getting on TV, do they? Snyder's team stuffs Spiller, and Evans drops the third-down pass, to induce a punt.

Block in the back erases a big punt return by Brandon Banks. Banks is listed on the roster at 142 pounds, or 78 pounds less than the Redskins punter. Grossman from the 23. Torain comes clean out of the backfield and beats Arthur Moats handily over the middle for 22. The Bills stuff Torain, Reggie Corner the corner nearly pick-sixes Grossman on 2nd down, so what do the morons do on 3rd-and-9? Leave Bobby Wade wide open in the middle of the field for 24. Torain then cracks off another 15 yards on a run, and the Redskins are suddenly first-and-goal. Two plays later, Rex hits Fred Davis on the sideline at the 2 with a pretty pass, and Davis stiffarms Corner away in embarrassing easy fashion to score Washington's third TD. Redskins 21, Bills 3

The National Football Service has just issued a blowout warning for the Landover, Maryland area. Edwards remains in the game and will start at the 23 after a false start. Edwards spots a blitz and attempts to adjust for it, but Perry Riley comes up the middle untouched anyway and sacks him. And now the Bills call a timeout. This team is a total disaster right now. Guess what they try on 2nd-and-15. A TWO-YARD PASS. And it's incomplete. Edwards does find Johnson matched up in zone coverage against Riley, and hits him for 14.9. Bills line up to go for it at their own 38, but a half-hearted attempt to get the Redskins to jump offside doesn't work. Where was the hard count? And on comes the punt team. Jake Locker probably ought to start looking up real estate agents in the Buffalo area right now.

Redskins take over at their 16. DPI this time on Corner the corner, who is having a visibly rotten night. The Bills do it again; get Washington 3rd-and-long and then give up the first down, this time with Devin Thomas beating Leodis McKelvin. Redskins are 6-for-7 on third down tonight. The Redskins finally stall but only after an illegal formation penalty on Trent Williams takes away a Williams reception that had gone all the way down to the Bills 20.

Harvard time! Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB for Buffalo. From the 12, he rolls right and has to throw a stupid bootleg pass intended for the TE running a 2-yard out into the ground. After a false start, the dreaded DRAW PLAY works for Joique Bell out to the 24. Ran right by Albert Haynesworth. Bell follows with a handoff and a screen that get nowhere; 3rd-and-8 at the 2:00 warning.

And of course the Bills throw a 4-yard slant on 3rd-and-8. If you don't hate the Buffalo Bills already, you will after trying to watch one of their games. For crying out loud.

Banks muffs the punt and winds up losing 5 yards back to the 19. 1:03 to halftime. Grossman misses Thomas on 1st down, and a poor shotgun snap fouls up a draw play on 2nd down. They grind out the rest of the clock to send out the frisbee-catching dogs.

Halftime score: Redskins 21, Bills 3.

Redskins outgained the Bills 199 yards to 106 in the 1st half, most of that difference coming through the air. Fitzpatrick will try to matriculate the Bills from their 20. They 3-and-out. Spiller gets stuffed, Fitz misses Chad Jackson on 2nd down, and a blitz forces a checkdown on 3rd. Doesn't look like that draw play earlier discouraged the Redskins from blitzing.

And I guess I have no idea what a block in the back is, or else tonight's referees don't. Cary Harris is bearing down on Banks on the punt when - and five rewinds don't prove any different - a Redskin drills him between the shoulder blades. Banks sprints away from there, gets a nice wall to the sideline and has a very quick 77-yard TD. My eyes tell me that was the most blatant block in the back in NFL history, so I have no conceivable idea how it could have been missed. But it's Redskins 28, Bills 3 now.

More bad news for me: I can't blame Bobby April for Buffalo's special teams gaffes; he was swept out in last season's housecleaning. Down more than 3 TDs, the Bills hand off twice from their 26, and I have no idea what they expected to gain out of this game tonight. They continue to go 0-for-the-night on 3rd down as Fitz wanted Jackson to run a hitch, but he ran a go. Harris tackles Banks for no gain on the punt return, PERHAPS BECAUSE HE WASN'T DRILLED IN THE BACK THIS TIME.

Grossman's nearly picked off on 1st down, but Mike Sellers gains 5 and Rex scrambles for the first down the next play. John McCargo, a name I'm sure Bills fans are glad to hear is doing anything, stuffs Torain. But Grossman hits Wade at midfield and Thomas at the 45 for another first down. At this point I learn the Redskins' backup LT is named Will Robinson. I assume he plays well in space, then. Torain scores points when he picks up a grounded screen pass and runs with it when it wasn't clear the play had been blown dead. Two plays later, Thomas is wide open on a deep post behind George Wilson and Corner the corner for a 44-yard TD, nice toss from Grossman. Corner got turned inside out and Wilson wasn't back to help. As impossible as it would seem on a team as bad as the Bills, Corner has really stuck out as the worst Buffalo player tonight. Another candidate for Crappiest Player of the Preseason. Redskins 35, Bills 3

We're still only halfway through the 3rd quarter! Well past time to put this game into screw-it mode. The Bills really look like last year's Rams. None of the receivers they have on the field right now are even remotely capable of getting open as Fitzpatrick goes 0-for-3. Well, at least Brian Moorman will be loose for the regular season.

Washington at their 6. John Beck, who they just traded for, steps in at QB. Early returns are poor. They gain 1 yard on 3 plays as he misses Thomas by a mile on 2nd down and gets a pass batted down on 3rd.

And, of course, the Bills fumble away the kick. Ellis (Rhymes with wankster) Lankster takes his eye off the ball and puts it on Roydell Williams, the onrushing Redskin who recovers the fumble.

A false start moves Beck and the Redskins back to the Buffalo 49. Somehow I was hoping for an Odelay of game penalty. Maybin beats Will Robinson - danger! danger! - to force a bad 2nd down throw, and Chris Ellis tips the 3rd-down pass at the line on his second try. Block him, maybe? Throw OVER him, maybe? Beck starts 0-for-4.

Smoke route from Fitz to David Nelson for one of Buffalo's big gains tonight, 8 yards. They started at the 15. Chad Simpson gets the Bills a very rare first down, then - what's THIS? - Fitz to Nelson on an out for 12 yards? BACK TO BACK FIRST DOWNS? Then, THREE IN A ROW? Fitz play-actions at the 40, rolls right and hits Donald Jones for another 12. Then, WHAT IN TARNATION?!? Simpson escapes an ankle tackle at the line, stiffarms Anderson Russell to the ground as if he were a Girl Scout, speeds up the sideline and dives for the pylon. They give him a 40-yard gain. The Redskins stuff Simpson on first-and-goal, but Fitz's mobility pays off on 2nd down as he sprints right and gives himself extra time to find Nelson in the back of the end zone for a - could it be? - BUFFALO TD. Redskins 35, Bills 10

Hey, Buffalo's been down 35-3 before and come back to win, haven't they?

Beck beckons again from the 27. Lankster (rhymes with Wankster) seals off a pitchout to Torain for a loss as the quarter ends. Still one to go?

End of third quarter: Redskins 35, Bills 10.

Arthur Moats shuts down Torain on 2nd down, and on third down, it's pretty much a jailbreak on Beck. Danger! Danger! Will Robinson gets beat badly again by Maybin, and two more Bills break free up the middle, with Beck forced into McCargo for the sack. Here come the Bills!

Big punt return by Naaman Roosevelt, 25 yards-plus to the Washington 35. Just outran everybody around the corner. Here come the Bills! Fitzpatrick in shotgun. What, no Brian Brohm tonight? After a slant to Jones, Bell explodes off right tackle for about a 28-yard TD. Corner sealed excellently by TE Shawn Nelson, who appeared to drive two defenders into the pile. Nice kickout by center Christian Gaddis as well. Redskins 35, Bills 17

HERE COME THE BILLS!

Beck will try to do something other than keep the Bills in the game from his 28 with 12:45 left. You know who looks Lost in Space tonight? Will Robinson. Maybin beats him clean again and gets a sack this time, on 2nd down. Beck, though, hits TE Lee Vickers on a shallow cross, beating Moats for a first down. Beck then trips dropping back from center. OK, you're trying this hard, let's all welcome John Beck to the candidate list for Crappiest Player of the Preseason. Redskins smartly take advantage of Maybin's aggression and run right by him with Williams for 12. Nice catch by Terrence Austin of a high slant pass gets Washington another 1st down. Drive bogs down just across midfield, though, with McCargo nearly sacking Beck AGAIN. Why does McCargo look so good tonight, Bills fans must wonder? Maybe it's because Redskins guard Chad Rinehart belongs on the CPOP list with Beck.

7:14 left. Ramzee Robinson and Armstrong team up deftly to down the punt at the 2. The new Bills QB is Levi Brown. Isn't he a tackle for the Big Dead? And where the frak is Brohm tonight? Brown wings a deep pass that the receiver has to turn around and come back for at the 30. I'm guessing they didn't pick Brown up for his arm. DRAW PLAY and punt. Sigh.

There go the Bills.

Austin brings the punt back a good 20 yards across midfield. Maybe Buffalo really does miss Bobby April. Torain blasts off left tackle for 16; nice work by Will Robinson and TE Logan Paulsen. Bills shut down two runs but let Williams bang off right tackle for 12 on 3rd-and-8. Rinehart actually did something good that play. Torain up the middle for 10 now. Redskin backups run-block a lot better than they pass-block. Williams scores from the 6 with a second-effort run on 2nd-and-goal. Redskins 42, Bills 17

Simpson takes a draw for 17, close to midfield, at the 2:00 warning. How come it took me so long to notice a RB on the Bills is named Simpson? Brown gets into a little groove, and hits Nelson back-to-back to get down to the Washington 23.

ROT IN HELL CHAN GAILEY FOR USING ALL YOUR TIMEOUTS DOWN 25 POINTS AT THE END OF A PRESEASON GAME~~~~

Jim Haslett's as tired of that crap as I am, and brings the kitchen sink at Brown on 2nd-and-12. Robert Henson is robbed of a sack by the referees who don't catch that Brown's knee is down, but they do call the QB for grounding. Eh, Henson didn't earn it anyway; he came in unblocked. I'll take Albert's word for it that Justin Tryon got his hand on the 3rd-and-26 pass, which is tipped to (Lucky) Lendy Holmes for an INT, and victory formation for the Redskins.

Final score: Redskins 42, Bills 17.

Player of the game: I failed to mention him a lot in the play-by-play, but Tryon was the most effective DB tonight for a secondary that really put the clamps on Buffalo's miserable excuse of a passing game. I'm not looking forward to those guys week 3. Honorable mention, unbelievably, to Rex Grossman, who threw two TD passes and actually appeared competent in an NFL game, possibly for the first time in his career.

What did we learn: Buffalo is very, very bad. Passing game, running game, blocking, coaching, pass coverage, all bad. Maybin was the only bright spot among players likely to take the field for them this season. If the Rams win 2 games in 2010, they're not drafting first in 2011. Buffalo's so bad, I'm not sure what we really learned about the Redskins. They have to be happy with the way McNabb started, and with Grossman's play in relief. Unbelievable they didn't have a sack tonight, though, against that offensive line. (I scored one early for Perry Riley, but Edwards must have gotten back to the line.) Then again, they didn't start Haynesworth; then again again, he didn't even register in the box score. No tackles. Imagine that, a Jim Haslett defense that can't sack the quarterback! We'll have to keep an eye on that.

Up next: Time warp! Jumping ahead to Week 2 at this point for Rams-Browns. Hoping to work through a bunch of week 1 games after that, though, with Eggles-Jagwires next on the docket.

Game 4: Minnesota 28, St. Louis 7

Rams games, of course, are covered extensively in RamView, which has the game account here.

Player of the game: You throw for 300 yards in a preseason game, you're the POTG, so Sage Rosenfels it is. I still wonder if he didn't win the starting job last night, at least in a post-Favre world. Childress sure had a quick hook on Tarvaris Jackson, otherwise. Honorable mention to Sam Bradford for surviving a beating that surely would have claimed Marc Bulger for six weeks.


What did we learn: The Rams need a lot of work on offensive line; the Rams need a lot better health in the secondary; Steven Jackson better not get hurt. Whether or not Rosenfels became the starter for Minnesota tonight, Tarvaris Jackson ain't it.

Up next: Phew, good question. Leaning towards Bills-Redskins for game 5 but that is subject to change.

Game 3: New England 27, New Orleans 24

From Foxborough, it's a game that would be great if it were regular season: Saints vs. Patriots. New champs vs. a dynasty trying to re-assert itself! Brees vs. Brady! Payton vs. Belichick! Randy Moss vs. Danny Gorrer! OK, not that last one so much. NFL Network has the New England call with Don Criqui, Randy Cross and Scott Z-O-L-A Zolak on the sideline. Freak that I am, I knew the Patriots preseason announcers without need for introductions.

Saints start the game on offense after a Gostkowski touchback. Patriots, though, own the line of scrimmage at the start. Jerrod Mayo beats the fullback Heath Evans to swallow up Pierre Thomas on 1st down, Gerard Warren (?!) forces Drew Brees to rush a screen blank on 2nd down, and Marcus Murrell beats Jon Stinchcome like he was going up against Grant Williams for an easy sack of Brees on 3rd down. Not a championship showing there by the Saints o-line.

Yeah, a certain world champion doesn't look they came to play tonight. Julian Edelman takes the punt near midfield and really only has to slip one tackle to get down to about the Saints 15. Thomas Morstead, the Saints punter, manages to mangle himself while corralling Edelman out of bounds to save the TD. I think he got his hand stuck inside Edelman's shoulder pad and got his shoulder pulled out of sorts. Sadly, RamView's guidelines for preserving your punter in the preseason would not have saved him.

BENJARVUS GREEN-ELLIS is the Patriots starting RB? He gets a couple on first down, and Tom Brady gets his arm hit for a blank on 2nd down. 3rd-and-7, Brady tries to beat a Saints big blitz with a lob pass, but it's not really close to where Kevin Faulk is. Gostkowski chips the Pats on top. Patriots 3, Saints 0

By the way, if you want to use online rosters to follow along while watching these games, I heartily recommend Yahoo.com's. I use Google to search "New Orleans Saints roster", for example, and then click the Yahoo link. Unlike most team websites, you get there quick and the page comes up quick. And UNLIKE NFL.COM, Yahoo's rosters are accurate. And what's cool, they're organized by position, which really helps me locate players quickly.

Patriots get their second straight 3-and-out against one of the league's most powerful offenses. Thomas totals 6 on a couple of runs and Patrick Chung holds Lance Moore short of the sticks on 3rd down. Um, surely a world championship offense should have receivers who RUN ROUTES FAR ENOUGH TO GET THE FIRST DOWN, shouldn't it?

The kicker, Garrett Hartley, launches a 55-yard punt for the Saints, and after a hold, the Patriots have to start deep in their end. Per Criqui, Brady hits Randy Cross on the sideline at the 20 for a 1st. The similarly-named Randy Moss beats Tracy Porter for 23 a couple of plays later. Play-action from midfield, Brady hangs in forever but appears to waste one deep. After a SMOKE PASS to Edelman loses yards, Brady, throwing left for like the fifth straight time, hits Brandon Tate on the sideline for 20. Yeah, Torry Who? He's on this team, isn't he? COME ON, Saints, if you let smoke passes like this work, teams will never quit throwing them. Edelman smokes for 20 yards down to the 16 after Jabari Greer miserably blows the initial tackle. That pass was to the right. A couple of BJGE runs get them down to the 10. Don't like him as an outside runner. Like that he runs hard, but he's not getting much of anywhere. GAWD, Saints, if you don't stop 3rd-down draw plays, teams will never quit running them. Faulk down to the 5 with a draw for a first down. Jonathan Casillas stuffs BJGE on first-and-goal, but he busts right off Dan Connelly's pull block for a 6-yard TD. It's like Belichick already thinks I have either Brady, Moss or Laurence Maroney on my fantasy team. Patriots 10, Saints 0

I'm watching an NFL Network fantasy football crawl that ranks Steven Jackson the #9 running back, BEHIND RYAN MATHEWS. Isn't Mathews going to share carries with Darren Sproles? You have to rank Steven at least 5th or 6th; #1, he's a freaking stud, and #2, he's going to get almost every carry. IF he's healthy. But don't rank him behind somebody that you can't be sure won't be a platoon back half the season or more. (Tho my mind can certainly change as soon as I see a Chargers game or two.)

Fine blocking by rookie TE Rob Gronkowski on that last TD, too. Brees stays in to pilot the Who-Dats from their 14 after a kickoff penalty. I know if A.J. Feeley 3-and-outs twice Saturday night, and comes back in for a third try late in the first quarter, the St. Louis natives are going to be awful damn restless. Screen to Jeremy Shockey gets about 10 and Reggie Bush gets the first down up the middle. Moore and Marques Colston collect short passes for another 1st down near the 40. Shockey gets another at the Patriots 43. Noting here that New England has completely turned off any blitzing.

End of first quarter: Patriots 10, Saints 0.

After a screen to Thomas and another Bush middle run don't get much of anywhere, Devery Henderson drops a drag pass. He ran his route a yard short of the first down anyway. But the Saints hurry the 4th-down play and pick up a DPI on Donald Butler against Moore. Now Thomas churns left for 5 down to the 28. Tully Banta-Cain about goes right through Carl Nicks and forces a blank for Bush in the flat. After the CENTER false starts on 3rd-and-5, it's a DRAW to Bush, who zigs his way to a first down. Dammit, Patriots, if you don't STOP draw plays on 3rd-and-long, teams are never going to quit running them! 3rd-and-long draw plays have worked twice tonight, which is one time more than they do most preseasons in the whole league. Warren, again, hurries Brees into a bad pass on 1st down. A timeout gives me time to guess smoke route to Meacham on 3rd-and-7. And I'm.... wrong, Brees fires downfield to TE David Thomas at the 14. Thomas goes right for 5 on a play that should have been flagged after the LG flinched. Brees to Thomas in the flat sets up 1st-and-goal at the 4. 2nd-and-goal, Jermon Bushrod pretty well seals the corner, and Butler guesses wrong with an inside jump, giving Bush a fairly easy sweep left for the TD. Patriots 10, Saints 7

The game is now relegated to a small box in favor of a lame interview with lame winners of a Gillette contest. New Patriot QB is the short-looking Brian Hoyer, which I'm telling you before the broadcast did. Sam Aiken becomes the 4th, and BJGE the 5th, Patriots to catch passes tonight before Torry Holt has even gotten on the field for all I know. Is he hurt? Aaron Hernandez becomes #6 after taking a quick screen for 7 across midfield. Include blanks to Faulk and now to Sammie Morris, and eight Patriots have been targeted before Holt. Edelman's huge night continues with a nice slant pass from Hoyer. He shakes, bakes, breaks an ankle tackle and gains about 23 down to the 21. Face mask the next play sets the Patriots up at the 9. BJGE with a tough, pinballing run to the 5. Laurence Maroney next, touching the ball for the first time all night, cuts behind a fine drive block by Rich Ohrnberger for the TD and gives us his best John Cena impression. Actually, Laurence, we haven't seen you all night; maybe you should save the WWE gestures for when you're good enough to actually start a game ahead of BENJARVUS GREEN-ELLIS. Patriots 17, Saints 7

Replay shows that TD run was overpursued badly by, yep, Anthony Hargrove. 5:00 and 74 yards left for the Saints and Patrick Ramsey. 8 to Kelley Washington, then P.J. Hill breaks off 9 on his 2nd carry. The Pats blow up a screen pass, and Jonathan Wilhite blows up Courtney Roby on 3rd down, to force a punt.

According to NFL Network's crawl, 3 QBs and a WR should go in the first round of your fantasy football draft. And Steven Jackson isn't one of the 6 RBs. He ranks 13th. Anybody see that happening in your draft this year?

Hoyer beats a blitz, and Edelman wheels away from Pierson Prioleau's awful coverage, for 22 to the 42 at the 2:00 warning. If the Patriots win, I think we have our game MVP. Edelman is unstoppable tonight. Hoyer then goes three straight times to Hernandez. Saint pass rush foils the first two and the third is well short of the first. Maybe Torry Holt will come out and punt.

OK, I'll quit moaning about Holt now. Google News reveals that not only was he inactive for this game - there are inactives for preseason games? - he's in danger of not making the Patriot roster. Wow.

Saints have 1:30 to score from their 16, but only get to their 35 before having to punt. Hartley shanks a 35-yarder, understandable since he's the placekicker.

Patriots kneel out the half, giving us an opportunity to watch their very fine cheerleaders.

Halftime score: Patriots 17, Saints 7.

Devin McCourty takes advantage of a brutal, uncalled hold by Sergio Brown on the outside to return the second-half kickoff across midfield. Hoyer and Maroney in the backfield. On 2nd down, Hoyer hits Hernandez over the middle for 21 while being taken down. Casillas and Jo-Lonn Dunbar stuff Maroney for a loss but he breaks a tackle for 7 the next play. Hoyer beats rookie Patrick Robinson's offside blitz with a quick hitch to Edelman, who makes Prioleau miss him AGAIN while getting down to the 4. Prioleau another early candidate for Crappiest Player of the Preseason. Maroney's in from the 4 in three tries to make this game a burgeoning blowout. Patriots 24, Saints 7

But then, gosh, Wally, Larry Beavers returns the kickoff 97 yards for a TD, after coming to a dead stop at the 20 and cutting left-to-right back upfield. Awful lane discipline by the Patriots, who all got bottled up by the left sideline, and after Darnell Jenkins blew the initial tackle at the 20, no one had anywhere near enough speed to catch up with Beavers, though you could see guys run out of breath and snap hamstrings trying. Beavers only needed, and only got, one block, by #32, on #40, to spring him. (No sooner do I praise Yahoo for having up-to-date rosters than I find they're not up to date after all!) The Patriots wish Jenkins the best in his future endeavors. Patriots 24, Saints 14

There goeth that burgeoning blowout. We resume with Hoyer leading the Patriots from the 15 after a kickoff penalty. Maroney bounces off right tackle for 13. Hoyer can't hit Jenkins after his arm's hit, and he throws a bad smoke pass to Hernandez, targeting the rookie TE for about the millionth time tonight. Saints blitz Casillas on third down, and Hoyer doesn't recognize it, because nobody stayed back to block. Sack. Beavers returns Zoltan Mesko's punt, and my, what a difference good lane discipline makes, as he gets nowhere with a similar move as on the kickoff.

Saints at their 32, where Ramsey drills Adrian Arrington at midfield, and he runs down to the 16 after breaking James Sanders' crappy tackle. 51 yards. The same two guys connect again at the two-yard line, and Chris Ivory crowd-surfs it in from there without getting near as molested as Lady Gaga did last week. Suddenly, it's Patriots 24, Saints 21

As usual, the third quarter of a preseason game is crawling along so slowly, I'm going to have to suspend it for real life, aka the Rams game tonight.

Aaaaaand we're back. And there goes McCourty again, returning another kickoff across midfield. Tonight not shaping up as a special teams coverage clinic. Zac Robinson is the new Patriot QB. A - somebody drafted him? and B - it was Belichick? Shows what I know. He gets Bradforded by DeMario Pressley and fumbles, but a penalty on...... HARGROVE takes it back. Chris (not Fred) Taylor is in at RB. After a holding penalty, he gets about 10 on a draw, but the Saints blow up a third-down screen to force a punt.

Nice Mesko punt checks up inside the 10. Ramsey stays in the game, rolls right and hits Roby at the 25. They then try THREE runs and punt. Hill's 9-yard gain can't make up for Ivory getting stuffed twice by Tyrone McKenzie (and Rob Ninkovich). Pretty poor job using his blocks by Ivory.

Patriots start at their 25 and Chris Taylor gets them a first down in two carries.

End of third quarter: Patriots 24, Saints 21.

Taylor continues to find nice running room, gaining 6 around left end. But Pressley gets to Robinson before he can unload a short pass on 3rd-and-2 and gets the sack. Pressley just blasted Ted Larsen off the line to get room to roam.

Saints at their 12 after the punt, inside 13:00 left. Ramsey wants to go deep but dumps off to Hill under duress for 9. Ramsey's been a pleasant surprise tonight, a lot better than he usually looks. After Hill plows for the first down, Ramsey throws a pretty, deep play action pass that GOES THROUGH ARRINGTON'S HANDS. If Wilhite got a finger on it like Cross says, it was a fingernail. Should have been caught. The Patriot broadcast is ignoring the game now, and I'm ignoring their "interviews" that are actually blatantly disguised product placement. Saints RUN twice after the long blank and New England stuffs them on 3rd-and-4.

Patriots from their 29 with 10:30 left. Taylor spins out of a loss and gains 6. He's the best late-game RB of the Challenge thus far. After a false start, Robinson hangs in the pocket nicely but is nearly picked off at the sideline. On 3rd-and-9, Taylor doesn't know the screen is coming and it lands harmlessly on the ground.

Beavers muffs the punt and is damn lucky to come up with enough of it to win a tie for possession at the 30. Former Mizzou Tiger Chase Daniel takes over there for the Saints with 9:17 left. Still that much left? This game may have hit the wall twice. 17 to merry prankster Zak Keasey in the flat. He's hit on the next throw and is lucky Tory Humphrey could beat out two Patriots to knock down a flutterball. Ivory wiggles up the middle for 9, though. They fake a pitch left to him on 3rd-and-1 and Daniel hits Jimmy Graham in the flat for another first down. Wow, Payton is really turning Daniel loose. He looks deep on first-and-10 but settles for Arrington at the 25 with a pretty throw. After a short screen, it's Ivory banging up the middle for about 10 more. Daniel play-actions again and hits Roby down to the 5. They fake a pass right and Daniel hits fullback Marcus Mailei at the 1 for first-and-goal. This has been a sweet drive that has made Daniel look nothing but good. He calls a timeout with 4:20 to go. Somehow this feels like a perfect time to run a smoke route. Terrence Wheatley breaks up an end zone slant to Arrington. 2nd-and-goal, Ivory runs into a pile at the goal line and is lucky to avoid a turnover after losing the ball. 3rd-and-goal, they fake a plunge up the middle and bootleg Daniel left, which defenses almost never stop, but Wheatley and a couple of other Patriots are ALL OVER IT and Wheatley shuts Daniel down at the 5.

And then, curse you to HELL, Sean Payton, for going for the FG and TYING A PRESEASON GAME with 2:40 left. Somehow the NFL has to create a rule that makes teams go for it there.

Can Robinson and the Patriots spare us overtime from their 25 with 2:34 to go? Doesn't look good, as Robinson holds the ball forever and drills it into the ground after Junior Galette drills him on the throw. A new running back? Now? Thomas Clayton zips up the middle for 12, but Galette, who has a ton of tackles tonight I haven't documented, stuffs him for a loss at the 2:00 warning. Huge Saint rush gets a deflection on 2nd down.

GOD DAMMIT, SAINTS, IF YOU LET TEAMS GET AWAY WITH SMOKE PASSES ON THIRD AND LONG, NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO QUIT RUNNING THEM. They fake a quick opener right and Robinson wheels and throws a smoke route to Darnell Jenkins. He immediately gets a perfect cut block by rookie Taylor Price and has a veritable convoy of linemen to let him sprint down the sideline for a 51-yard gain. New England grinds out the rest of the Saints' timeouts, lets the clock run down to 0:57, and Gostkowski chips them ahead. Patriots 27, Saints 24

Daniel will have 48 seconds to get the Saints in FG range from their 26. He fires over the middle to Montez Billings at the 40, but Brandon McGowan drills him as the ball gets there and Eric Alexander alertly scoops the loose ball in midair to seal the win for New England. Unusual way to put a game away.

Final score: Patriots 27, Saints 24.

Player of the game: Good thing New England held on, because I've been prepared for like a day to make Julian Edelman the POTG. 5 catches for 78, a 41-yard punt return, and he looked near-unstoppable at wideout, though going up against Prioleau a lot couldn't have hurt. Little question to me he should be the Patriots' WR3, WR2 if Wes Welker can't go. Note: Torry Holt was IR'ed after this game due to a knee injury. I'd like to recommend he go ahead and retire Monday, making it possible (though not likely) for he, Kurt Warner and Isaac Bruce to all hit the Hall of Fame the same year, 2015.

What did we learn: Even highly-regarded, well-coached teams like the Saints and Patriots can fall victim to third-and-long draw plays, screens, and smoke routes in preseason, EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER SHOULD. New England's very happy with their red zone performance: 3 TDs, 2 FGs, in an area where they struggled last year. The Saint QBs looked so good, I think they could even survive an injury to Brees, or trade a QB away to a team in dire need.

Up next: Game 4 shouldn't take too long, I've already seen it and written it up: Vikings at Rams.

Game 2: Baltimore 17, Carolina 12

OK, let's crank up the first full slate of preseason action with a LIVE blog of Marc Bulger's first outing with his new team: Panthers vs. Ravens. ESPN's call, with Tirico, Chucky and Jaws.

Ravens start us with a kick almost through the end zone, and Matt Moore will lead the Panthers out. First look I've really gotten at the guy. Terrell Suggs offsides on 1st down. After going up the middle for 2, DeAngelo Williams takes about the same play up the middle for 22 to midfield. Tony Fiammetta with a PANCAKE to spring the play. Moore throws too high for Dante Rosario. His first pass missed, too. Not accurate off the start. Ray Lewis and Jameel McClain blitz on 2nd down and force Moore to ditch-n-pitch. 3rd down, Tom Zbikowski DRILLS Moore on a blindside blitz for a sack and fumble. Panthers recover. Zbikowski brings the punt back about 30, and punter Jason Baker gets flagged for tripping at the end. Ravens will start in Panther country.

Or very close, at their 47. Joe Flacco GUNS a corner route to Derrick Mason at the Carolina 30. Play-action pass up top in the end zone for Mark Clayton, but he can't come down with it. Love how the Ravens are starting the game, though. Aggressive on offense and defense. Flacco can't hit Todd Heap on a short out on 2nd down, but hits Mason at the 12 on 3rd down. LeRon McClain rumbles off LG for 6. On 3rd-and-3, for the love of GOD, the Ravens line up MOUNT CODY at fullback. But he false starts. End Of That Experiment. Ravens go 4-wide from the 10, but Tyler Brayton beats Michael Oher for a key sack. Shayne Graham chips Baltimore ahead. Ravens 3, Panthers 0

Panthers start from their 20 again after another deep touchback. Jordan Gross false starts. They don't overcome it, with Trevor Pryce forcing Moore to rush a short out to Brandon LaFell on 3rd-and-5.

Wow, ESPN's going to cover the Jets-Giants game Monday night, who'da thunk it? Flacco misses Anquan Boldin on each sideline. Brayton beats LG Ben Grubbs this time on 3rd down to sack Flacco again and 3-and-out the Ravens. Oniel Cousins, the right tackle, has the answer to Brayton, though, landing on his ankle after the play and rolling it for him. Baltimore tackles Armanti Edwards on the punt but had an ineligible downfield penalty. Edwards brings the re-kick back to the Panther 45. Happens every time. Ravens waste two super punts by Sam Koch - 57 and 62 yards.

2nd-down end-around for LaFell gets Carolina a first down at the Ravens 43. 12 to Fiammetta in the flat. Williams can't climb Mount Cody and gets stuffed at the 32. Nice completion to King is taken away by a holding penalty on Gross, who has to be the most overrated tackle in the league. Moore appears to convert the first down again with a completion inside the 20 to Jarrett, but GROSS IS FLAGGED FOR HOLDING AGAIN. Third penalty for 25 yards, and two killed drives, by your left tackle. Panthers end up punting, and Baker kills it beautifully at the 4.

Steve Smith (the old one) is out tonight, of course, but looking ahead to Halloween anyway, let's note that Moore is looking a TON for his TE Jeff King and the fullback.

Huh, Flacco remains in. Oh God, Al Saunders is on their staff? RELEASE THE SMOKE PASS! Nice pass to Boldin outside the numbers at the 16, then McClain rumbles over left tackle for about 15 more. Dan Connor stuffs Willis McGahee to close out the opening stanza.

End of first quarter: Ravens 3, Panthers 0.

This is a preseason game? It took a whole quarter to throw the first screen pass, which McGahee takes across the 40. Now it's Screenapalooza. Welcome back to the NFL, Al Saunders! McGahee to midfield. Flacco rolls right and scrambles for another 1st. ANOTHER SCREEN TO MCGAHEE, more of a bubble screen that he takes for about 15. ANOTHER SCREEN TO MCGAHEE gets 5. Man, the Ravens are throwing a ton. And here they come again, Flacco going up top to Clayton on the right end zone sideline, beating Captain and Tennille Munnerlyn for a 30-yard TD. Ravens 10, Panthers 0.

Panthers not getting a lot of kickoff return work tonight. It's another touchback. For all the news that Jimmy Clausen can't even beat out Hunter Cantwell at Carolina, who's out as QB2? Clausen. Another false start at left tackle after an initial 1st down, but Gross is out now, the penalty's on former Ram Rob Pettitti. 3rd-and-8, Clausen does a great job reading the Raven blitz and fires over the middle for Kenneth Moore, who tips it to himself for a first down at the Raven 38. Clausen next checks to a handoff that Josh Vaughan takes off right tackle for 12. Clausen then gets away with a very dangerous screen pass back across the field to Vaughan. Vaughan gets them to 3rd-and-1 before C.J. Davis false starts. 3rd-and-6 quick out for Moore from the 19 comes up a little short under pressure. Not a bad first drive for Clausen all the same. Easy-peasy FG for - Jon Kasay? Hasn't he reached the mandatory retirement age yet? Ravens 10, Panthers 3.

And it'll be Marc Bulger leading the Ravens now from their 26. He fires deep from the shotgun, but well short of Donte Stallworth, covered well by Brian Witherspoon. Greg Hardy stuffs Jalen Parmele on an attempted draw. Annnnnnd guess what happens on 3rd down. Bulger gets sacked and fumbles. Been there. Done that. Fine job by Eric Norwood to come back and track the attempting-to-scramble Bulger down and force the fumble, recovered by Witherspoon. Don't see much of anybody to blame for that play besides Bulger himself. Martz QBs never really have been noted for their ball protection.

Clausen and the Panthers at the Baltimore 31. Tyrell Sutton pops off left tackle for 16. Good block by TE Gary Barnidge. Sutton for 5 more. Vaughan gets Carolina first-and-goal at the 5 with about 3:30 till halftime. Clausen throws a nice timing route that LaFell should have caught for a TD but dropped instead. Sutton fires up the middle but loses the ball at the 1, and the Ravens come up with a big turnover. Haruki Nakamura forced the fumble.

Bulger from his 1 with 3:07 left. Try not to screw it up too much, eh? He actually steps out of a near-sack in the end zone and hits Ed Dickson at the 15. Quick slant to Demetrius Williams near the 30. 2:00 warning.

Deep corner for Dickson incomplete. Connor tips a pass over the middle incomplete. 3rd-and-10, Bulger gets a great pocket and hits Stallworth down to the Panther 33. Bulger chucks a blank with a 2nd-down blitz coming and Dickson doesn't appear to be expecting the third down pass.

And so like much of the end of his Rams career, the best Bulger can do offensively is set up a long FG (50 yards), which his kicker (Graham) misses.

Panthers with one more shot before halftime, 1:10 left. Or not so much. On 2nd down, Paul Kruger comes at Clausen about as long and about as clearly as Lancelot charging the castle in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Clausen STILL gets sacked anyway. That's not a great advertisement for your QB's pocket awareness. He drills Rosario at the Ravens 42 for a first down, though. Coverage wasn't bad there, either. Clausen scrambles down to the 32. Tavares Gooden blitzes right over him the next play, though, a key sack that knocks Carolina out of FG range. They use 18 of the last 19 seconds of the half on a short pass to Sutton and a spike to set up a 48-yard FG try, but holder Baker blows the hold.

Halftime score: Ravens 10, Panthers 3.

Ravens open the 2nd half with Troy Smith behind center. Parmele is still RB. Smith dances, scrambles and nearly hits Dennis Pitta on the sideline for a nice game. I agree with Chucky and John Harbaugh; it looked like Pitta actually caught that, when he was ruled out of bounds. After review, they actually get the call of the play right. Pitta stepped out of bounds before the catch and gets the penalty after the review that he should have gotten on the live play. That was a lot of freaking work by me to describe a 5-yard penalty. Jaws declares the Ravens should go with Smith as their #2 and Bulger #3, even though Chucky just got done nearly gushing over Bulger for a quarter. Greg Hardy beats Devin Tyler for back-to-back sacks to bury Smith and the Ravens inside the 10. That would be 6th-round pick Greg Hardy, a top-notch pass rusher most of his college career that the NFL shied away from in the 2010 draft because of injuries. The Rams drafted Hall Davis instead of him. File that for future reference.

Clausen and the Panthers go from midfield. After Jason Phillips stuffs a 2nd-down draw to Sutton, Dexter Jackson slips and falls on a deep out that wasn't that good a route anyway, and Cary Williams gladly accepts a gift INT from Clausen.

Think I've forgotten to mention it's been raining pretty hard in Baltimore for a while now, which may factor in on the next play. Eric Moore, who I believe is a former Ram, strips Parmele on the very next play, and C.J. Wilson returns it 31 yards for a TD. Kasay takes pity on my pick of the Ravens in ESPN.com Streak For The Cash and blows the PAT. Ravens 10, Panthers 9

Yeah, this game has hit the wall. The first 3:40 of this half feel like they've taken about an hour to play.

Smith takes the helm at the 29. Now Gruden's endorsing Smith over Bulger. So we're supposed to ignore your glowing reviews the entire freaking second quarter? I hate ESPN announcers. The Panthers stuff two straight runs and Parmele muffs a third-down pass over the middle that was way too short anyway. One punt to go, please.

We go to commercial with a closeup of a Baltimore girl with a huge sore on her lower lip. That picture's worth a thousand words. I've got nothing.

Panthers'll try it from their 29 this time. Clausen muffs the snap on 2nd down (remember the rain) and chucks a dying duck out of bounds under blitz pressure on third down. 1, 2, 3, kick!

Ravens are perched at their 24. Hardy gets a tackle for loss but Smith trumps him with a 2nd-down slant to Justin Harper for about 15. ESPN doesn't care about play-by-play or down and distance or anything anymore because Suzy Kolber, making her FIRST appearance tonight in the second half, is interviewing Ray Lewis. Lewis claims he passed out after trying to watch Hard Knocks for five minutes last night. Carolina d-line takes over the line of scrimmage now, stuffing a couple of runs and blowing up a screen to force ANOTHER punt.

Hunter Cantwell in at QB for the Panthers, starting at the 19. Mount Cody stuffs a second down Vaughan run by clotheslining him in the head. No call by the Terry McAulay crew. Carolina o-line incurs yet another false start before Cantwell has to fire a useless short pass to get out of trouble which Vaughan drops anyway.

Prince Miller fields the Baker punt at his 32 and breaks one awful Panther tackle attempt after another. Everette Brown whiffs on an arm tackle. Jamie Petrowski, ankle tackle, whiff. Mortty Ivy whiffs on a retarded shoulder block attempt. Punter Baker, of course a whiff. Sutton whiffs badly trying to tackle him by his arm. Vaughan whiffs, and so does R.J. Stanford, before Rosario finally brings Miller down at about the 10-yard line. Miller didn't do much of anything special on that play, the Carolina punt coverage unit was simply incompetent. Tirico's right after the play; most of these guys won't be in the NFL long. Nor do they deserve to be.

New Ravens RB is Curtis Steele, who would seem more at home in Pittsburgh. He gets a short gain before Smith misses Harper by a country mile on a quick fade. 3rd-and-7, Jaws correctly calls QB draw, and Smith scores easily on it from the 9. They caught Carolina stunting, and Stefan Rodgers made a nice block to spring the run. Lineman Joe Reitz totally blows the celebratory dunk attempt over the crossbar, though. Also, that was a group celebration and should have been a penalty. Carolina may be losing, but Terry McAulay's is the worst team on the field tonight. Ravens 17, Panthers 9

From the 25, Cantwell hits Edwards near the far sideline for 12. Vaughan squirts off right guard for 8. Carolina continues to kill themselves with penalties - ANOTHER false start, by Duke Robinson, and Cary Williams drills Edwards to break up what would have been a 1st-down catch. Panthers find solace in downing the ensuing punt at the 3 with :03 left in the 3rd.

End of 3rd quarter: Ravens 17, Panthers 9.

Steele actually ended the third quarter by spinning out of a tackle in the end zone and hitting another spinaroonie later to complete a 13-yard run. Eric Moore flashes again by dropping Steele for a big loss. Hardy and Moore combine for a second run stuff. Carolina has excelled at run D just about all night. The Panther d-line continues to control the line of scrimmage, basically beating every Raven lineman with a stunt on 3rd down. Smith dances away from some of the jailbreak but is eventually sacked inside his 5 by Nick Hayden.

Panthers from their 45 with 13:01 left. Not wanting to be left out of tonight's sack parade, big Lamar Divens, a 333-pound defensive END, rolls right over a cut block and conveniently grabs Cantwell for a sack. Ravens get away with blitzing on 3rd and long when Cantwell and David Gettis can't quite connect on a rollout pass to the sideline. And my God is the Baltimore d-line huge. John Fox challenges the call but Gettis has pretty clearly stepped way out of bounds before making the catch. Yep, Carolina to punt.

Carolina continues to kill itself with penalties, tacking 15 onto the punt return to set up the Ravens at the 40.

A program I forgot to cancel on the TiVo intrudes at this point, but in the name of historical completeness, I'll go to the Ravens radio play-by-play courtesy of NFL Audio Pass, and about a 2-hour-long reminder of why I hate dialup.

OK, punt on this till Monday when I have access to broadband. I can't get but two plays out of stupid dialup before it quits. Slow, I understand, but just quitting? Now you know why this challenge usually dies after about 20 games. I'm having enough trouble getting through game 2!

Back yet again. Go NFL AudioPass. A short pass to Davon Drew as the Ravens announcer detail the logjam ahead of him (Dickson, Pitta) at TE. (Proof I'm really listening to the broadcast.) Heh, even radio interrupts preseason games for freaking sideline interviews. After an incompletion, we never even hear the third-down play so they can talk to Anquan Boldin. Sam Koch shanks a 13-yard punt in protest.

Vaughan gets 4 to midfield, and now they're interviewing Terrell Suggs. Maybe I should switch to the Panthers broadcast. Suggs is doing MMA training this offseason. Cage match vs. Chris Long! 2nd down pass to Vaughan is incomplete, but Edgar Jones stupidly roughs him on 3rd down to set Carolina up at the Baltimore 26.

And those last two paragraphs were not worth the trouble I went through to get them.

7:00 left now, and back to the ESPN account of the game. Smoke route to Edwards, who has done essentially nothing tonight, for 1. Doug Dutch seems to get away with pretty clear pass interference on 3rd-and-4, but the officiating crew picks the flag back up (?), then Edwards fails to come up with a catch in a crowd near the goal line, to turn it over to the Ravens on downs. As a "Slash"-type player, Edwards looks like the next Marques Hagans.

The Ravens set to run out some close with 6:00 left from their 20, but an awful cough-up by Steele gives Carolina the ball back in two plays. The Ravens wish Steele the best in his future endeavors.

Huh, I forgot the Panthers drafted Tony Pike, who is in now at QB. After a blank, Dontrell Savage gets nowhere up the middle. 3rd-and-9 from the Ravens 26. Nakamura blitzes in on 3rd down and drags a late-to-react Pike down by the ankle for the sack. That tees up Kasay for a 45-yarder that brings the Panthers to within a TD. Ravens 17, Panthers 12

4:00 left, Baltimore at their 23. Another good block by Rodgers gets Steele an alley on the left side for 20. Moore CLUBS Smith in the head on a designed rollout and the referees completely ignore it. Ivy makes his second run stuff of the drive to force the Ravens to punt with 2:56 to go.

2:47 left, Panthers have a chance to go for the win from their 9. Cantwell to Dexter Jackson at the 19. Yes, they brought Cantwell back in instead of giving the ball to Pike. Vote of non-confidence? Kelly Talavou (334 pounds) destroys C.J. Davis to sack Cantwell. Just a 3-man rush there. Where do the Ravens get enough food to feed all of these giant linemen? Cantwell scrambles to the 25 to make it 3rd-and-5 at the 2:00 warning. And he beats a big blitz with a long sideline lob to Jackson at midfield. Petrowski has a deep pass go off his hands over the middle at the 20. 1:24 left, they're doing a sideline interview NOW? First-down pass to Gettis at the Raven 38. Panther line doesn't all know the snap count the next play. Kruger gets an uncontested run at Cantwell and flushes him over to Talavou for another sack. :50 left. Blank behind Edwards leaves us at 3rd-and-15. High pass for Gettis in traffic downfield; 4th down with 30 seconds to go. Brandon McKinney (324 pounds) punks Steve Justice and rushes a blank to preserve the win for Baltimore. Kneel and a win.

Final score: Ravens 17, Panthers 12.

Player of the game: Haruki Nakamura, who led the team with 5 tackles, forced the fumble at the goal line and had a sack. Also, he's one of my favorite players.

What did we learn: Ravens passing game looked really good. Behind Flacco. Bulger still seems to be suffering some PRSD (Post Rams Stress Disorder). For them right now he's basically Gus Frerotte and needs to step his game up. Liked the Panthers run D for the most part, Greg Hardy especially, and how the Ravens can roll one 300-plus-pounder after another out on D. Matt Moore doesn't convince me at Panthers QB, but I'm not quite sure Clausen's set to take a run at him, though he did look good. Like the Bengals last week, the Panthers really need to cut out all the penalties.

Up next: Saints-Patriots from Thursday.

Hall of Fame Game: Dallas 16, Cincinnati 7

All right, the stage is set, the TiVo and Blogger (for what it's worth) are running, Al Saunders has just thrown the ceremonial 2-yard smoke pass... it's time to launch the 2010 Preseason Challenge! As always, we begin with the Hall of Fame Game, which somehow landed NBC a game between two of the league's most obnoxious teams, the Cowboys and the Bengals. Can the Cowboys' 4th-stringers outplay Cincinnati's 4th-stringers? Will the Bengals reap home-field advantage from a game in their home state? Or will they have too many players arrested by halftime to be able to stay in it? These answers, and more, to follow...

Yeah, so I'm on like a 3-hour delay. Sue me.

FIRST QUARTER
Well, it took approximately 0.03 seconds for Andrea Kremer to find Chad JOHNSON and Terrell Owens on the sideline. More likely, it took them 0.02 seconds to find a camera on the sideline. So, T.O. is Batman, and Chad is Robin. First of all, gay. Second, Chad knows Robin was totally the second fiddle of the Dynamic Duo, right?

Dallas starts at their 35. Tony Romo rolls right but can't connect with Miles Austin on the near sideline. Pac-Man Jones defended that play, so they mirror it the next play and beat Leon Hall at midfield. Marion Barber and Felix Jones run for another first down on three alternating carries. Am I wrong or is Jones a lot bigger than last year? Holding on Andre Gurode sets the drive back as we learn that Alex Barron is out tonight with an injury. That's pretty hilarious since about the only good thing we ever had to say about him around here was that he never gets hurt. Romo hits Roy Williams over the middle at the 20 for 21 yards on 3rd-and-12, beating a stupid blitz by the Bengals. Bullet pass to Crayton at the 6 beats Pac-Man. Jones fumbles it away at the goal line the next play, but in classic Bengals fashion, DT Jonathan Fanene was lined up offside. Hey, I just realized the slight possibility tonight that Roy Williams could tackle Roy Williams. Romo tries Williams in the end zone a couple of times, and a swing to Jones on 3rd down, but good Bengal pressure forces throwaways. David Buehler chips Dallas ahead from 20. Cowboys 3, Bengals 0

Carson Palmer and the Bengals take over at their 31. Nice cutback run by Cedric Benson for 6 followed by a quick sideline pass to T.O. for 7 more. Illegal motion by Chad takes away another short T.O. reception. Cowboys shut down a Benson draw and excellent pressure by Steven Bowen on 3rd-and-14 forces an incompletion and a Cinci punt.

Cowboys at their 6 after a penalty on the punt return. Jon Kitna has already replaced Romo. Kitna hits TE John Phillips across the 30 on 2nd down. Kitna-to-Phillips again at midfield for 16 on 3rd-and-8. Wait a damn minute, Alex Barron IS in the game. Sure didn't take long for Michaels and Collinsworth to make a blatant mistake, did it? Fanene beats Travis Bright on a stunt to pressure Kitna into a throwaway on 3rd-and-7. Antwan Odom's injured on the play. Barron poked him in the eye. Mat (I'd like to buy a T, please) McBriar's punt is fair caught at the 10.

Carson Palmer stays in for Cincinnati and hits T.O. on the sideline for 10. Cowboys knock down a pass on 2nd down and Bowen flushes Palmer into a sack on 3rd down. Great speed by Bowen, who is owning this game so far. From RDE, he zoomed around left end to get to Palmer. Crap punt goes out of bounds at the Dallas 45.

Fanene gets to Kitna on first down, burning Barron and knocking the ball out of Kitna's hand, but the Bengals somehow manage not to recover the fumble despite having a guy fall right on it. Fanene and Bowen's fight for player of the game will rage on into the 2nd quarter.

End of first quarter: Cowboys 3, Bengals 0.

We return from commercial with a Dez Bryant package and Jerry Jones checking himself out on camera at least 3 times in his booth. On 3rd-and-13, Kitna hits Kevin Ogletree for first down yardage, but he gets off balance after the catch and gives the first down back. Cripes. McBriar's punt pins the Bengals back at the 9.

Michaels still hasn't shut up talking about Dez Bryant and actually wants us to believe at this point that Dez hasn't heard of rookie hazing in the NFL. That's as likely as somebody taking an office job without knowing what that mysterious black liquid everybody's drinking is. A stunningly quick 3-and-out by the now J.T. O'Sullivan-led Bengals is over before I can even get that last crack typed out. Shockingly, they were trying a bubble screen on 3rd-and-5. FIRST BUBBLE SCREEN OF THE PRESEASON! Are the Bengals even practicing offense in training camp?

Cletis Gordon stupidly lets the ensuing punt roll an extra 12 yards, but these are the Bengals he's up against, and Gibril Wilson even more stupidly hits him late to give Dallas a free 15. Cowboys definitely winning the field position battle, starting this drive again near their 45. Tashard Choice bolts for 21 to the Cinci 30 off a Phillips block. How stupid are the Bengals? The guy across from Barron just jumped offside. Barron appears to get away with a flinch the next play, but the Bengals like the play result better, as Wilson strips somebody called Herb Donaldson for a turnover.

But that's followed by another lousy sequence by O'Sullivan. Blown-up rollout pass, poor pass too high for the TE, holding penalty, and on 3rd-and-20, it's Bowen AGAIN, beating the Bengals with another stunt and grabbing O'Sullivan, who takes a dopey grounding penalty. Dallas takes over near their 45 again after the punt. I'm going to feel free to blame Brian Leonard for that play; he had a shot to chip Bowen but didn't get any of him and ran a route.

Swing pass from Steven McGee to SCOTT SICKO beats a blitz for 12. 10 more to Phillips, then Choice goes around left end and inside the 20. Choice doesn't even remotely get a piece of Michael Johnson the next play, though, and Cincy gets a big 10-yard sack. Ogletree beats another blitz for about 15, but a THIRD-AND-SIX DRAW UNSURPRISINGLY DOES NOT WORK, and the FG team is back for Dallas. Jerry checks himself on camera a couple more times as Buehler Ferrises one in from 34. Cowboys 6, Bengals 0

Pac-Man fumbles the kickoff deep in the end zone but still returns it out to the 30 after fielding the lucky bounce. O'Sullivan misses Jerome Simpson deep down the sideline by a mile on first down. On 3rd-and-10, Jordan Shipley becomes the second receiver tonight to run out of a first down. The Bengals seemingly at an effort to rush the next play and end up with another awful punt that checks up and barely ends up inside the Dallas 40.

McGee hits that Sicko for 7 and then Jesse Holley on the sideline at the Bengal 43. That drive gets no further, though, after a couple of blanks (my new slang for incompletion) and Geno Atkins smoking Pat McQuistan to get McGee for a sack at midfield.

Bengals are pinned inside their 5 after the punt. We may have to rename that part of the field "the Bengal Zone" after tonight. 2:00 warning. The Bengals again fail to escape the Bengal Zone after O'Sullivan misses Andre Caldwell badly on a quick slant on 3rd-and-2. Wasn't a great route by Caldwell, but O'Sullivan is quickly clearing himself a place on the Crappiest Player of the Preseason mantel.

Bryan McCann gets SPLATTERED by Brandon Ghee waiting for the punt to come down. The refs throw a dozen flags, then rule (correctly) that Ghee was blocked into McCann. Not only that, it was a block in the back, by one Teddy Williams. And there was a tripping penalty on the play.

Viva preseason!

Dallas gets nowhere after the punt, with McGee getting flushed out of the pocket a couple of times. Atkins continues to wreak havoc.

Cincinnati at their 32 now with 1:01 to go in the half. This game is hitting the wall early. You know, the first point of a preseason game when you wonder when this freaking ordeal is going to end. O'Sullivan amazingly completes two passes in a row. Brian Leonard, unamazingly, does not get through two consecutive plays without getting hurt. Injured his left foot or ankle. Looks like a sprain. O'Sullivan goes deep with 0:26 left and misses Caldwell by a country mile. McCann swoops over to pick it off at safety, and really, what in Boomer Esiason's name was that? That throw was nowhere close. O'Sullivan is in fact going to be difficult to beat out for Crappiest Player of the Preseason (dis)honors. Dallas kneels out the half.

Halftime: Cowboys 6, Bengals 0.

Buehler starts the 2nd half with a kickoff through the back of the end zone. Jordan Palmer the new Bengal QB with Cordera Eason at RB. Jordan throws a sideline pass to absolutely nobody on 2nd down and overthrows Caldwell on 3rd down. Gordon takes a nasty shot to the head on the punt return, getting his helmet knocked clean off... no flag. Ron Winter's tonight's referee, so no big surprise, really.

McGee scrambles for one first down on 3rd-and-5 and hits that Sicko at the Bengal 40 for another. Good cutback right by Donaldson for 10. The drive dies at the Bengal 30, though, and Buehler pulls it badly left from 49. Still 6-0.

Not content to leave J.T. O'Sullivan unchallenged for Crappiest Player of the Preseason, Jordan Palmer throws a bullet directly to Dallas LB Brandon Williams for an INT. Williams returns it inside the Bengals 10. Wretched would be a generous word to use to describe Cincinnati's offense tonight.

Frostee Rucker deflects a McGee pass, though, and a TWO-yard pass attempt to Sam Hurd on 3rd-and-goal from the FIVE is unsurprisingly useless, a blank, actually, forcing another chippie from Buehler. Cowboys 9, Bengals 0

Another awesome foul-up by Jordan Palmer the next drive. He takes a quick kneeldown on 2nd-and-3, thinking he's caught Jason Williams jumping offsides, but Williams got back. Dallas does jump offside later in the drive, but Cincinnati false starts the next play. Viva preseason! The Bengal drive isn't hurt by penalties, though, as much as it is by the utter inability of their backup QBs to complete a pass more than 5 yards downfield.

Dallas at their 17 after the punt. 14 penalties so far tonight vs. 9 total points. Viva - eh, screw it. This game has been about as exciting as C-SPAN and less rewarding to watch than a fat stripper. Dallas' 2nd down play gets screwed up by a high snap, with Michael Johnson getting away with what looked like a horse-collar tackle on McGee. He sure went down that way. McGee survives the drive, though, but it's a 3-and-out.

Cinci at their 31. A rare moment of excitement as Matt Jones wheels away from awful coverage by Jamar Wall on a short out and goes upfield for 30. Wait a minute, the Bengals have Pac-Man Jones AND Matt Jones? Is there ANY criminal, drug fiend or other kind of malcontent this franchise doesn't feel compelled to suit up?

Oh, here's my answer. Lindsey Lohan is now behind center for Cincinnati. She play-fakes to Robert Downey Jr. and hits Charlie Sheen on the smoke route for 3 yards. Bengals could have used a better block from Charles Manson there.

Seriously, I think the Bengals would sign O.J. Simpson today if they could figure out a way to spring him.

Palmer hits Jones again for 6 on 3rd-and-5 as the Bengals actually approach the red zone. Two plays later, a hold on Anthony Collins takes care of that. Leave it to Mizzou to make up for KU's shortcomings, though, as Chase Coffman hauls in a Palmer pass for a first down on 4th-and-17.

End of third quarter: Cowboys 9, Bengals 0.

Eason opens the 4th quarter by putting the ball on the ground, and Dallas recovers. He appeared to jar the ball loose with his own knee, and stayed on the ground after the play. Anything to delay going back to the sideline after that foul-up, I guess.

Dallas in action at their 11. Diving sideline catch by Terrell Hudgins keeps the ball rolling. GACK, they lasted three quarters, but we couldn't get through a football broadcast without talking about Brett Favre. No wonder I went comatose at this point and had to pick the broadcast back up on Monday night. After coming nowhere near him on first down, McGee spears a slant pass to Holley on 3rd-and-6 for another first down, at the 37. Frostee roughs McGee the next play for one of the biggest offensive gains of the night. 12 Bengal penalties for 90 yards. They're the new Raiders. Manuel Johnson drops a high slant pass in traffic on 3rd-and-3 to necessitate another punt, which the Cowboys down neatly inside the 1. Cincinnati's real estate has been so bad tonight they should call themselves the Detroit Bengals.

After a run by Joe Trunzo, a man born to be a fullback, Jordan Palmer throws his second patently idiotic throw of the night, directly to LB Brandon Sharpe dropping in coverage, and Sharpe collects one of the shortest pick sixes in league history, seven yards. Jordan Palmer sees the field about as well as Mr. Magoo. Cowboys 16, Bengals 0

Bengals will try again from their 23 with 9:16 left. After Eason gains 5, proof that you can throw at Jamar Wall forever comes when Matt Jones makes him look absolutely stupid on a simple square out for 7. Dallas rallies, though, batting down a pass on first down and with Victor Butler coming up the middle to sack Palmer on 3rd down. Yes, he was stunting, and LG Otis Hudson was a complete embarrassment, unable to even hold Butler effectively.

Cowboys moseying on from their 20 with just under 7:00 left. New QB Matt Nichols immediately drops a perfectly good shotgun snap. Atkins follows that by stuffing Lonyae Miller, and a short pass to that Sicko brings in the punt team. Electrifying football here.

Bengals at their 34, just inside 5:00 to go. Palmer to Dez Briscoe for 12. He takes a hard lick after scrambling the next play, but unfortunately for Cincinnati, isn't injured. Jones can't collect an inaccurate sideline pass. But at least they tried to go downfield on 3rd-and-11, though Jones can't get both feet in bounds. The refs can't get the call right, though, and though he clearly doesn't want to, Wade Phillips just can't resist the urge to challenge the play. So we're reviewing a play with 3:15 left in a 16-0 preseason game. I've always been a glutton for preseason punishment, and we're getting plenty of it tonight. Play does not stand, and Cinci punts with 3:15 left.

Dallas at the 20. Just run out the clock, for the love of God. Yes. Miller gets in two carries for almost ten leading up to the 2:00 warning. Pat Sims stops him emphatically on 3rd and short, though. Shipley breaks a couple of tackles and brings the punt back 64 yards inside the 2. Awful arm tackle attempt by Wall on the play, and suddenly the Bengal QBs have competition for Crappy Player of the Preseason. Wall wouldn't make the Rams.

2nd-and-goal with :43 left, the Bengals make a 2-yard TD pass about as difficult as you possibly can. Palmer rolls right and hits TE Darius Hill in the back of the end zone to put Cinci on the board. Dallas LBs never picked him up; just let him run free. In the end zone. Marvin Lewis correctly does NOT go for two. Cowboys 16, Bengals 7

Wall fair-catches the kickoff, the only thing he did right tonight, and Dallas grinds off the last of the clock.

Final score: Cowboys 16, Bengals 7.

Player of the game: Steven Bowen was the defensive star in a dominating defensive effort for Dallas. Atkins, who I didn't even realize is a rookie, was at least as impressive for the Bengals, but they didn't win.

What did we learn: Not a damn thing. Brian Leonard can't stay healthy? Knew it already. Alex Barron can't block? Knew it already. Both teams looked strong up the middle defensively and did a good job stopping the run. McGee is a far sight better a backup QB than O'Sullivan or Jordan Palmer, who are basically stealing money in Cincinnati. Bengals commit too many penalties and need to work on picking up stunts. A lot.

Finally, too many more games like this one and I may not make it out of preseason alive.

Up next: Panthers @ Ravens Thursday night.

Announcing the 2010 NFL Preseason Challenge...

...and here we go again! Despite the NFL's best efforts to hide it from me - there is no apparent link to it on the NFL OR NFL Network website - I have found this year's TV schedule for the 65 preseason games. (See end of this post.)

The NFL Preseason Challenge is to watch all 65 preseason games aired on television. It will start this Sunday night with, as always, the Hall of Fame game, this year between Dallas and Cincinnati. Or, in other words, three-plus hours of NBC announcers bleating about prima donna wide receivers. Watching the games as they air is nigh physically impossible, especially since I like sleeping and attempting to have a life, so recording games and watching them later is within the rules. The ultimate goal is to see all 65 games before the NFL regular season begins, which this season is Thursday, September 9th at 7:30 CDT.

I do a running blog entry here of each game I watch, as a way to prove I was paying attention all four quarters. Blogger is an awful tool for this, but it's the best I've got, so I often end up posting the whole game account after the game.

The biggest hurdle I have found toward completing the Challenge, for better or worse, is... employment. 2004's the only Preseason Challenge I've ever completed because I wasn't working that August.

Most years since then, I've failed pretty miserably, but football glutton that I am, at least attempting the Challenge has become an annual tradition for me. I even tried to warm up for it this year by recording and trying to watch every game of the World Cup. Should have been easier, right, since the typical soccer game is an hour shorter than a football game?

I've only made it to the knockout round. 48 games down, 16 to go.

Oh, and the World Cup ended three weeks ago. I heard Spain or somebody won.

Here's this year's preseason TV schedule, IN CENTRAL TIME. Unless otherwise noted, the game is a re-broadcast airing on NFL Network.

Sunday, Aug. 8
7 p.m. CDT - Cincinnati Bengals vs. Dallas Cowboys (NBC)
Thursday, Aug. 12
7 p.m. CDT – Carolina Panthers at Baltimore Ravens (ESPN)
10 p.m. CDT - New Orleans Saints at New England Patriots
Friday, Aug. 13
8:30 a.m. CDT - Carolina Panthers at Baltimore Ravens
2:30 p.m. CDT - Oakland Raiders at Dallas Cowboys
6:30 p.m. CDT - Buffalo Bills at Washington Redskins -- NFLN live
9:30 p.m. CDT - Jacksonville Jaguars at Philadelphia Eagles
Saturday, Aug. 14
12:30 a.m. CDT - Kansas City Chiefs at Atlanta Falcons
6 p.m. CDT - Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Miami Dolphins -- NFLN live
9 p.m. CDT - Tennessee Titans at Seattle Seahawks -- NFLN live
Sunday, Aug. 15
12 a.m. CDT - Chicago Bears at San Diego Chargers
9 a.m. CDT - Detroit Lions at Pittsburgh Steelers
12 p.m. CDT - San Francisco 49ers at Indianapolis Colts -- NFLN live
6 p.m. CDT - Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals -- NFLN live
9 p.m. CDT - Minnesota Vikings at St. Louis Rams
Monday, Aug. 16
12 a.m. CDT - Houston Texans at Arizona Cardinals
3 p.m. CDT - Cleveland Browns at Green Bay Packers
7 p.m. CDT – New York Giants vs. New York Jets (ESPN)
Thursday, Aug. 19
12 p.m. CDT - New York Giants at New York Jets
7 p.m. CDT – New England at Atlanta (FOX)
10 p.m. CDT - Indianapolis Colts at Buffalo Bills
Friday, Aug. 20
12 p.m. CDT - New England Patriots at Atlanta Falcons
7 p.m. CDT – Philadelphia at Cincinnati (FOX)
Saturday, Aug. 21
3 p.m. CDT - Philadelphia Eagles at Cincinnati Bengals
6 p.m. CDT - Pittsburgh Steelers at New York Giants -- NFLN live
9 p.m. CDT - Green Bay Packers at Seattle Seahawks -- NFLN live
Sunday, Aug. 22
12 a.m. CDT - Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints
3 a.m. CDT - Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
6 a.m. CDT - New York Jets at Carolina Panthers
9 a.m. CDT - Baltimore Ravens at Washington Redskins
12 p.m. CDT - Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos
3 p.m. CDT - Dallas Cowboys at San Diego Chargers
7 p.m. CDT – Minnesota at San Francisco (NBC)
10 p.m. CDT - Oakland Raiders at Chicago Bears
Monday, Aug. 23
3 p.m. CDT - St. Louis Rams at Cleveland Browns
7 p.m. CDT – Arizona at Tennessee (ESPN)
10 p.m. CDT - Miami Dolphins at Jacksonville Jaguars
Tuesday, Aug. 24
12 p.m. CDT - Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers
Thursday, Aug. 26
12 p.m. CDT - Arizona Cardinals at Tennessee Titans
7 p.m. CDT – Indianapolis at Green Bay (ESPN)
10 p.m. CDT - St. Louis Rams at New England Patriots
Friday, Aug. 27
1 a.m. CDT - Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers
7 p.m. CDT – San Diego at New Orleans (CBS)
10 p.m. CDT - Philadelphia Eagles at Kansas City Chiefs
Saturday, Aug. 28
1 a.m. CDT- Atlanta Falcons at Miami Dolphins
1 p.m. CDT - Washington Redskins at New York Jets
4 p.m. CDT - Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions – NFLN live
7 p.m. CDT – Dallas at Houston (CBS)
10 p.m. CDT - Seattle Seahawks at Minnesota Vikings
Sunday, Aug. 29
1 a.m. CDT - Cincinnati Bengals at Buffalo Bills
6 a.m. CDT - San Diego Chargers at New Orleans Saints
9 a.m. CDT - Tennessee Titans at Carolina Panthers
12 p.m. CDT - New York Giants at Baltimore Ravens
3 p.m. CDT - Arizona Cardinals at Chicago Bears
7 p.m. CDT – Pittsburgh at Denver (FOX)
10 p.m. CDT - San Francisco 49ers at Oakland Raiders
Monday, Aug. 30
1 a.m. CDT - Jacksonville Jaguars at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
3 p.m. CDT - Dallas Cowboys at Houston Texans
Wednesday, Sept. 1
12 p.m. CDT - Pittsburgh Steelers at Denver Broncos
Thursday, Sept. 2
6 p.m. CDT - New England Patriots at New York Giants -- NFLN live
9 p.m. CDT- Washington Redskins at Arizona Cardinals -- NFLN live
Friday, Sept. 3
12 a.m. CDT- San Diego Chargers at San Francisco 49ers
5 a.m. CDT - Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Houston Texans
8 a.m. CDT - Baltimore Ravens at St. Louis Rams
11 p.m. CDT - Buffalo Bills at Detroit Lions
2 p.m. CDT - Denver Broncos at Minnesota Vikings
6 p.m. CDT - Miami Dolphins at Dallas Cowboys
Saturday, Sept. 4
11 a.m. CDT - Green Bay Packers at Kansas City Chiefs
6 a.m. CDT - Atlanta Falcons at Jacksonville Jaguars
12 p.m. CDT - Chicago Bears at Cleveland Browns
3 p.m. CDT - New York Jets at Philadelphia Eagles
7 p.m. CDT - Carolina Panthers at Pittsburgh Steelers
10 p.m. CDT - Seattle Seahawks at Oakland Raiders
Sunday, Sept. 5
9 a.m. CDT - New Orleans Saints at Tennessee Titans
12 p.m. CDT - Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts