Game 7: Miami 10, Tampa Bay 7

written 8/29/2010; posted 9/17/10

The slowest Preseason Challenge in memory jerks back to life with what's regularly one of the worst preseason matchups, Dolphins and Buccaneers. We've got the Dolphins broadcast, which is not quoting Shula, or Lombardi, or Halas in the intro: they're quoting Thoreau. Nobody says Florida and football like the author of Walden, I guess.

Reflecting Florida's aging population, the Dolphin broadcast crew is Bob Griese (who immediately calls the head coach “Coach Soprano,” Nat Moore and 109-year-old Dick Stockton. It is raining large cats and large dogs in Miami at kickoff.

Chad Henne starts the first leg of this swim meet at his 17. Dolphins starting LG, btw, is Richie Incognito. Ronnie Brown goes behind him and center for 8 and Miami's first down, and 7 more the next carry. Holding penalty kills the drive a play later, surprisingly, a penalty not on Incognito, but Vernon Carey. They idiotically try a FUCKING SCREEN PASS on third-and-a-mile during a hurricane and it unsurprisingly fails, with Ganja Boy as the intended receiver. Penalty killed a good Miami drive.

Ironically, tonight's deluge is coming to us from Sun Life Stadium. Bucs got a good kick return from Sammie Stroughter and Josh Freeman will set off from the 46. Maurice Stovall on the sideline for 8, then Cadillac spins off a tackle and goes up the middle for 8 more. Koa Misi flushes Freeman for a 6-yard scramble after a false start, and flushes him again on 3rd down, with Channing Crowder keeping him short of the first. Jared Odrick is also a rookie starter for the Dolphins d-line. Bucs kill the punt at the 6. Misi's pressure was the story of that drive.

This rivalry is usually a slopfest without the pouring rain. Quick slant attempt to Brandon Marshall is broken up, and after another false start, amazingly another penalty not on Incognito, Lousaka Polite nearly bobbles a short circle pass away to the Bucs. Luckily, their punter Brandon Fields nails a 59-yard bomb to make Tampa work for their points.

Bucs run right with success, 8 for Cadillac, 5 for Ward, then go deep down the sidelines for Mike Williams on 3rd-and-3 later for 25. That's Mike Williams from Syracuse. That gets them inside the 15, and Freeman makes a wonderful play two plays later, sliding well in the pocket and finding Stroughter all alone at the 2 for a TD. Lousy coverage by Sean Smith there; that assignment was pretty clearly his, and he's five yards off Stroughter with both feet in his own end zone. Bucs 7, Dolphins 0

Tampa was certainly not afraid to let Freeman throw downfield in very sloppy conditions, PAT SHURMUR. From his 25, Henne rolls right and hits Anthony Fasano at the sideline for 10. Wobbly pass is BRUTALLY FUCKING DROPPED by Marshall. Heh. Enjoy your purchase, Miami. Henne keeps throwing miserable wobblers, one not within 5 yards of a Dolphin on 2nd down and one dropped by Brian Hartline on 3rd down. P.U. Check the weather report if you're dumb enough to have Henne on your fantasy team in 2010. He's worse in the rain than an Indy car.

27-yard line for the Bucs. No, the 17. Either they missed a penalty, or Stockton is drunk, or Stockton is senile. Possibly all 3. Josh Johnson has entered the game at QB. Vontae Davis trips up Derrick Ward for a loss. After a false start, Johnson throws a pass with nice velocity through Michael Clayton's worthless hands. Johnson then takes off for 18 off a designed QB draw for a first down despite the snap nearly going over his head.

Have I mentioned in this blog that if defenses WON'T STOP STUPID DRAW PLAYS ON THIRD AND LONG, OFFENSES WILL NEVER QUIT RUNNING THEM? Actually, this preseason may be making that a viable play call again.

End of first quarter: Bucs 7, Dolphins 0.

Bucs come out bombing to start the second quarter, PAT SHURMUR, but #15's route is really bad and the pass is easily picked off by Sean Smith. That looked like a blatantly stupid throw by Johnson, but I think the ball was where it was supposed to be; the receiver was not. Corner route's got to end up a lot closer to the sideline than that.

Replay shows QB and receiver were so far off on the INT because safety Chris Clemons jumped the route nicely. Dolphins kill themselves with a FALSE START AGAIN, but astonishingly, yet another penalty not on Incognito. Henne completes some short passes but a STUPID FUCKING SCREEN to Ganja Boy on 3rd-and-5 actually loses 5. CB E.J. Biggers shut that down nicely. Though the Dolphins may want to think about putting him on a pitch count, Fields launches a 61-yard blast. He's probably the only thing keeping the Dolphins in the game.

The NFL knows that the “Snatch and grab it” song they play in one of their commercials isn't exactly about buying football tickets, don't they? This same organization banned “Rock and Roll Part 2” in its stadiums because of Gary Glitter's pedophilia arrest thirty years after the song was recorded. Similarly, it's amazing how many smutty songs from the first half of last century are in regular use in TV commercials for wholesome products.

Bucs cross midfield while I'm on that rant thanks to the legendary Josh Johnson-Brian Purvis (sp?) connection, for 15 and 10. You can't stop Brian Purvis, you can only hope to contain him. Bucs call timeout, then, naturally, false-start the next play. And they hold the next. 1st-25 at the Buc 42, I assume we can write off this drive. SCREEN on first down, nice pass breakup by Nolan Carroll on 2nd, RETARDED FUCKING DRAW on 3rd, that Ward fumbles back to Miami anyway, proves me right. Bucs deserved that turnover for their crappy play-calling.

It took longer than I thought, but as usual, a Tampa-Miami game has run smack into the preseason wall before it's even halftime. Tyler Thigpen diving in now at QB for the Dolphins from his own 46. First sack of the night as Michael Bennett whips Andrew Gardiner right off the snap and drops Thigpen before he can even figure out what's going on. Dolphins at least have the decency to wing it deep on 3rd-and-long, but Greg Camarillo, not yet a Viking, is well-covered and the throw is a little long. Fields, clearly wearing out, only kicks this punt 50 yards.

LB Micah Johnson lets the Bucs out of a hole by taking Josh Johnson down way late. 3rd-and-3 from the 42, Josh gets all night to throw and hits Stroughter over the middle for 17. Exact opposite happens the next play. Nearly every Dolphin rusher gets to Johnson, the ball slips out of his hand on the drawback in classic Football Follies fashion, and Paul Soliai jumps on the loose ball (and probably flattens it) to get Miami the ball back at the Tampa 45. About 3:20 till halftime.

Immediately going DOWNFIELD, PAT SHURMUR, off play-action, Thigpen drills Patrick Turner wide open across the zone for 35. 1st-goal. Ganja Boy puffs his way down to the 5. 2:00 warning.

The Bucs stuff Ganja on 2nd down, though, and a terrible snap in the baseball infield part of the field, which has been primordial muck from the kickoff, scoots past Thigpen on 3rd-and-goal and Tampa jumps on it for a big turnover.

Bucs run safety middle handoffs, and Miami calls defensive timeouts, BECAUSE THIS HALF HASN'T BEEN LONG ENOUGH ALREADY. Micah Johnson stuffs Ward for a big loss on 3rd down to force a punt with :59 left. Nobody blocked him, and Ward ran right into him.

I've seen the idea out there that the Rams try to trade for Ward to replace Chris Ogbonnaya. The field is total slop tonight, but from what I've seen, Ward isn't any better. He's got the acceleration of a tractor-trailer. Going uphill. Dolphins get the short punt and short field they were hoping for. They're at the Tampa 39 with 49 seconds left in the half.

Marlon Moore drops the STUPID FUCKING SMOKE PASS to start the drive. Then A STUPID FUCKING HANDOFF to Brown. The Dolphins called all those defensive timeouts so they could get the ball back and run THESE plays? Late hit by Sabby Piscitelli makes their strategy look good. 15 yards down to the 23. Thigpen can't connect with a well-covered Turner in the back of the end zone, though, and I can't believe this – they're going to have their kicker try a FG from out of the mud mess. Dan Carpenter hits it, though, from 34. Impressive. Half ends with a squib kick and a Johnson kneel.

Halftime score: Bucs 7, Dolphins 3. Another electrifying Tampa-Miami preseason game.

Arrelious Benn returns the 2nd-half kickoff, shows little speed, slips at the 22. Pretty much his senior year in a nutshell. Josh Johnson remains QB for Tampa. Johnson completes a pass to himself, batted at the line, for a 10-yard loss. VIVA PRESEASON! I'm not the only person who feels like this game's been going on forever; Stockton just identified it as the second preseason game. It's the first. Hilariously, on 3rd-and-very long, the shotgun snap rolls to Johnson, he's about to gets sacked, and trying to throw it away down the near sideline, HITS Michael Spurlock with an amazing leaning, tip-toeing catch for 20 and a first down. Spurlock completely juked CB Nate Ness by faking a run back toward Johnson and then heading back upfield. End-around to the dangerously-not-speedy Benn loses 4. Hey, at least it was creative. Kareem Huggins gets a huge hole off left tackle courtesy of Ted Larsen and poor safety play for a 35-yard run. Follow that with another classic preseason play; Johnson slips and falls trying to roll left, tries to keep the play alive but two Dolphins are bearing down on him the whole way and he LOSES 14 yards. Took them well out of FG range. A punt saves us from any more of Johnson's adventures and misadventures.

Dolphins start at their 6. Lex Hilliard, another target of Rams fans looking for a backup to Steven Jackson, bounces outside for 3. He gets a screen for 6 more. I believe Thigpen is still at QB for Miami. Michael Bennett gets a direct beeline on Thigpen on 3rd-and-1 and forces a bad pass and a 3-and-out. Looks like #63 missed his blocking assignment; Bennett walked in all alone on the QB. Another moonshot punt by Fields, but the coverage doesn't catch up this time and Tampa returns it to the 40.

Rudy Carpenter is your new Bucs QB. Really? Jevan Snead couldn't even beat out this guy? Bucs ruin a big tackle-for-loss by Dotson (missed blocking assignment by Larsen) with a screen to Huggins that gets 15 and a first, and he takes off for about 20 more. I'm in a church fantasy league with 10 players and 16 rounds; Kareem Huggins may be drafted in it. Carpenter fails to get the Bucs inside the Miami 30, though, and Hunter Lawrence just barely misses right on a 49-yard FG attempt. At least interesting things happen when Tampa has the ball. Miami has been mostly crap.

Thigpen remains at the wheel for Miami. He hits Marlon Moore for a first down at midfield, then Hilliard for 11 on a screen, followed by Moore making a sideline catch for 34 more down to the 11. Moore came back well for that ball and then cut it back across the field, a mini-version of Isaac Bruce's TD catch in Super Bowl XXXIV. Thigpen hits the backup fullback Lumbala (the Ugandan Giant?) at the 2. Hilliard blasts in off right tackle to put energy into the home crowd for the first time tonight. Thigpen finally got into good rhythm that drive, and Moore's catches made the drive. Keep an eye on him if the Rams need a waiver wire pickup later this month.

End of third quarter: Dolphins 10, Bucs 7.

Bucs disembark from their 25. Pat Shurmur offense fails again as the Bucs three-and-out on three dink passes, with Spurlock dropping the pass on 3rd down.

13:17 to play. Thigpen throws a fairly wild sideline pass. Hilliard draws for 6. Quick hitch to Turner for the 1st. Hey, maybe Shurmur-ball works after all. Running with nice power, Hilliard sweeps left for 3. Thigpen's 2nd-down pass is batted down at the line, and his 3rd-down pass is behind Turner and incomplete to force a punt. Pretty crappy series for Thigpen. Also for Fields, whose 7th punt of the night is only an attempt; it's blocked by Cory Lynch. Lynch? #41? For the Bucs? A relative?

10:45 left and the Bucs are already in scoring range at the Miami 30. Like that they immediately go for the end zone after the turnover, but Ness nearly picks it off. Chris Brooks stabs a high pass out of the air over the middle for 15, and Carlos Brown chugs inside the 5 to set the Bucs up nicely. Brown is stuffed twice, though. The Bucs bring Huggins back in on 3rd down, and Carpenter goes to Terrence Nunn double-teamed in the end zone. He drops it. Raheem Morris has the decency not to try to tie a preseason game in the 4th quarter. Carpenter throws a quick slant to the goal line, and Nunn fails to come up with it again, with Ness breaking it up. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers wish Terrence Nunn the best in his future endeavors.

Dolphins inside their own 5 with about 6:30 left, Thigpen still at QB. No Pat White at all tonight, apparently. Two completions to Julius Pruitt get them out of the shadow of their goalpost. Tampa starts spending timeouts with 3:20 to go. Lynch breaks up a 3rd-down pass in the middle of the field with 3:00 left. Fields' punt is truly poor this time and Preston Parker returns it across midfield.

2:49 to go at the Miami 45. Carpenter throws behind Benn, who looks awful trying to come up with the incomplete pass anyway. 5 to Brooks. 13 gets wide open up the seam, burning the crap out of Kevin Hobbs, and Carpenter does a fine job hitting him at the 10, but 31 strips him of the ball. Rashad Jones scoops it up and it should put the game away for Miami. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers wish #13 the best in his future endeavors.

No, here's Pat White in the game now at his own 9. He gets to hand off once and then kneel out the clock. Thrillsville.

Final score: Dolphins 10, Bucs 7.

Player of the game: Miami's secondary made a couple of huge plays, and there's the miracle of Richie Incognito performing in an NFL game without committing a penalty, but tonight's POTG is, of course, the PUNTER, Brandon Fields. His bombs kept Tampa from absolutely dominating the field position battle and that, along with Buc receivers who can't tie their own shoes, was the main reason Miami didn't get beaten rather soundly tonight.

What did we learn: Miami-Tampa continues to be the league's most dreadful preseason rivalry. It should be euthanized. I thought both teams managed pretty good running games. Miami with Brown, and Tampa with Cadillac and Huggins. Didn't like Derrick Ward at all. Michael Bennett will be a great pass rush threat for Tampa this season if opponents continually forget to block him, like Miami did. Henne's performance tonight leaves an uncomfortable number of questions, but let's keep the weather in mind for now. Not like Thigpen set the world on fire anyway.

Up next: Tennessee at Seattle. It will do my heart good to see somebody else in our division having to put up with Jeff Fisher's passive-aggressive preseason crap for a change.