Game 2: Seahawks 24, Chargers 17

Onward to our first look at the rebuilt Seattle offense. The Seahawks made a lot of solid free agency moves, signing Sidney Rice, Zack Miller and Robert Gallery, and re-signing Brandon Mebane. They're pretty much re-constructing their offensive line, using their top two draft picks on linemen, adding Gallery at guard, making Max Unger the starting center, and Russell Okung was hurt often enough last year that he's still pretty new, too. The key to whether all this change will be effective, though, is new starting QB Tarvaris Jackson. Let's see if Seattle's big gamble at QB pays off.

As for San Diego, have I ever mentioned they have really, really hot cheerleaders?

FIRST QUARTER
San Diego puts the opening kickoff out the back of the end zone. We're going to need a nickname for that because we're going to see it a lot this year. After Takeo Spikes stops Marshawn Lynch twice, Jackson hits Doug Baldwin over the middle for a first down at the 31. Seattle's without Rice tonight, who's hurt ALREADY – shoulder – and Mike Williams. And now Okung has already limped off. Leon Washington gets them another first down on 3rd-and-1. After a penalty, Okung's replacement, Tyler Polumbus, gets absolutely whipped by Shaun Phillips, forcing Jackson into a goofy scramble that Luis Castillo ends in a sack. Feel free to attempt that stupid throwaway all season long, T.J.

Okung's being hauled off on the cart now - want to tell me again how Seattle's going to repeat as NFC West champion this year, national media? After the first STUPID FREAKING DRAW PLAY of preseason 2011 fails on 3rd-and-12 – Horrors! - Seattle punts from near midfield.

Unfuckingbelievably, after a 10-minute delay TO REBOOT MY FUCKING FROZEN COMPUTER, we're back. Does my shitty computer equipment just inherently know it's the Preseason Challenge, and therefore time to go haywire? Christ.

Seattle forces San Diego into 3rd-and-long inside their 10, but Vincent Jackson scorches Kelly Jennings for a 47-yard bomb. Philip Rivers beats a 2-blitz with a cross to TE Kory Sperry for 12. File that play away, Sam and Lance. A swing pass to Ryan Matthews for 10 more puts them inside the 10. Rivers finishes the 95-yard drive with a short pass to Mike Tolbert, who hurdles Jennings and on into the end zone. Safety Kam Chancellor made a couple of very nice run stops that last drive, but Jennings didn't hold up his end in the secondary, with Keystone Kops-quality play. Chargers 7, Seahawks 0.

Commercial break, touchback, commercial break. Football is back!

Jackson scrambles around for like nine minutes before making a first down on 3rd-and-3. San Diego jumps offsides on 3rd-and-2 to give them another first down near midfield. Back-to-back sacks take care of that, though, to close out the quarter. Darryl Gamble ran right through Michael Robinson for one and Ogemdi Nwagbuo got a coverage sack off just a 3-man rush. Gotta get rid of the ball eventually, T.J. Leon Washington's running well, but the passing game's not getting untracked at all. Jackson's tried for Miller twice but he's been blanketed.

SECOND QUARTER
Billy Volek at the switch now for the Chargers. Jimmy Wilkerson whips former Rams camper Dennis Morris – really? - for a sack to force useless draw play #2 of the night. Decent punt return by Golden Tate brought back by a hold.

Jesus Whitehurst takes charge of the Seahawk flock, but Nwagbuo strikes again on 3rd-and-1, stuffing Thomas Clayton to force a three-and-out.

Volek finds Seiji Ajirotutu for 15 at midfield for a 1st down. A bomb for him is well overthrown the next play, though, as is a 3rd-down bomb for LAURENT ROBINSON, who you'll not be surprised to hear was well-covered on the route. Punt time.

Seattle continues to have troubles getting receivers open. Whitehurst scrambles successfully on an initial 3rd down but is stopped for a loss the next series of downs. Punt away.

Gruden, it's Corey “Legit”, not LEE-Jet. Criminy. San Diego starts at midfield and moves into FG position after K.J. Wright gets called for horse-collaring Jordan Todman. Todman, btw, hasn't been too bad tonight in the Darren Sproles role. They nibble their way inside the 20 before throwing twice immediately after Gruden proclaims they're going to be physical and bash away now that they're in the red zone. Brandon Browner pwns Robinson at the goal line to force a Nate Kaeding FG. Chargers 10, Seahawks 0.

Mike Tirico insists on mispronouncing Robinson's first name, making it sound like the Chargers have a wideout named “Warren Robinson”. Whitehurst will see if he can move the Seahawks 81 yards in 2:00. It takes a weird defensive holding call on Vaughn Martin on a run play to get the drive moving. They dink and dunk out to midfield before Gamble, who's had a very active first half, trips Whitehurst up on a scramble. A deep corner route to Isaiah Stanback comes up short to finish the half.

THIRD QUARTER
Scott Tolzein leads the Chargers to a half-opening 3-and-out, with a false start by Steven Schilling and a deflected pass on 3rd down.

Pete Carroll leaves Whitehurst in the game, and he hits, for crying out loud, DOMINIQUE FREAKING BYRD for 30 yards to get Seattle into the red zone. A short completion to Tate, who they're really trying to get the ball to tonight, gets them inside the 10. An illegal contact, and Gamble jumping offsides by five yards, get Seattle most of the rest of their yards before Washington plunges in from the 1. Chargers 10, Seahawks 7.

Another three-and-out for San Diego. Jeron Johnson breaks up a pass to Sperry after Robinson brutally drops a pass behind him over the middle on 2nd down. He is who we thought he was!

Seattle appears to have finally pulled their offensive line starters, but Whitehurst is still dealing. Pat Williams makes a juggling catch for 8 inside the 20, but the most productive player this drive is Carl Ihenacho. Don't look for him in your Seahawks program; he's a Charger who's been offsides twice this drive to keep Seattle moving. The Seahawks hunt and peck forever before getting inside the 10 for a chip FG. Tre Simmons shuts down a swing pass in the flat nicely to force the attempt. Chargers 10, Seahawks 10

San Diego answers immediately, with a 103-yard kickoff return TD by Brian Walters from – Cornell. Superbly-blocked return; only one Seahawk, Josh Pinkard, had much of a shot at him, and he slipped off a high tackle. So much for the kickoff rule change killing the return game, eh? Chargers 17, Seahawks 10

Dueling banjos now, as Baldwin gets his kickoff return out to the 40 for Seattle. Josh Portis of California, Pennsylvania the new Seattle QB, badly overthrows his first out pass.

Disappointingly little cheerleader footage tonight, btw, ESPN. Tonight's game produced by a woman or something?

FOURTH QUARTER
Portis finishes his first professional three-and-out with another terrible sideline throw.

Tolzein continues his perfect professional record with his third straight three-and-out. No open receivers on 2nd or 3rd down lead to a short scramble and a sack, respectively. So many Seahawks hit Tolzein on 3rd down, I think they're going to each get credited with a fifth of a sack.

Thomas Clayton gets 16 yards on 2 rushes, just enough to ruin Portis' perfect career 3-and-out record. Portis re-asserts his lack of offensive ability with another bad overthrow before coming up short on scrambles on 3rd AND 4th down.

FOUR FOR FOUR! Jeron Johnson keeps Tolzein's perfect 3-and-out record clean by dropping Isaac Odim for a loss on 3rd-and-1. Whew, that was a close one!

THIS JUST IN: JOSH PORTIS HAS COMPLETED A PASS. He follows that with a nice completion to FREAKING BYRD for 23 off a nice play-action fake. Byrd, btw, has more yards tonight than he did his whole Rams career. Portis has got some confidence now. He hits Ricardo Lockette for 16 on a deep dig and just barely misses Anthony McCoy for a big gain up the seam. He steps up on 3rd-and-long and hits McCoy over the middle for 20, though. Sweet pancake on blitz pickup by Breno Giacomini kept that play alive. Clayton bolts off right tackle – Giacomini again – for 10 more, inside the 5. What's this? Excitement in a preseason game? Hee, two seconds after I typed that, Seattle called timeout. Too much excitement!

NICE blitz pickup by Clayton gives Portis time to sprint out and hit McCoy in the back of the end zone for a TD. Pete Carroll inexplicably calls for the EXTRA POINT, TYING THE GAME WITH 4:00 LEFT. YOU DO NOT, EVER, UNDER ANY CONDITIONS, PLAY FOR THE FREAKING TIE IN POSTSEASON, YOU JACKWAGON. Chargers 17, Seahawks 17

Oh for Christ's sake, Gruden is now talking up Portis as a threat to Jackson's starting job. “Jackson should be asking to go back in the game!” Idiot.

Never mind the criticism of Carroll playing for the tie. It was actually a brilliant call, knowing Tolzein would give the ball right back to Seattle. Didn't even take three downs this time, he holds the ball forever on a first down pass attempt and gets splattered by Pierre Allen, who forces a fumble and gets Seattle the ball back.

Though he deserved to be cut on the spot after holding the ball out and dancing with it the last 10 yards (which Gruden IDIOTICALLY describes as “a nice finish”), Clayton cruises for about 25 and a TD, making a sweet cutback off a drive block by Giacomini to break the run open. Seahawks 24, Chargers 17

The way Tolzein's playing, San Diego's only chance is to return the kickoff for a TD, three-and-out the Seahawks, then return the punt for a TD. Tolzein looks deep – ha! - then pulls the ball down and scrambles for 5. A.J. Schable smashes down Tolzein's 2nd down pass at the line.

OH MY GOD ALERT THE HALL OF FAME – Scott Tolzein has thrown for a first down. There goes the perfect record! Complete to Travon Patterson at midfield at the 2:00 warning.

Tolzein hits Walters now on the sideline for 24 more, then Patterson for 14 down to the 12. What does prevent defense prevent? Quick slant to Walters down to the 5. Jesse Hoffman breaks up a pass at the goal line to force 3rd-and-3, on which Tolzein rolls out and has to throw it out the back of the end zone. 4th-and-3, for all the marbles. Tolzein fires for Patterson in the back of the end zone, but Jeron Johnson breaks it up. Ball game.

Final score: Seahawks 24, Chargers 17.

Player of the game: I disqualified Clayton for hot-dogging on his TD run, thought about Portis, but gave it to Seahawk CB Jeron Johnson. He had a couple of nice pass breakups in the second half along with a big tackle-for-loss. Scott Tolzein the first clear winner of game LVP, which puts him in contention for the 2011 CPOP (Crappiest Player of Preseason) Award.

What did we learn: Again, despite the ridiculous amount of writing I did, not a lot. Seattle's offense is impossible to project with Rice and Williams on the bench. That's not to say Whitehurst still couldn't take the starting job from Jackson. Jackson's the starter for now because he's supposed to be most familiar with their new offense. Looked pretty bad tonight, though. Lots of offseason change by both teams, but I'd say the Rams are ahead of Seattle on both sides of the ball at this point. Jordan Todman's a player to keep an eye on for San Diego; looks like he can be an effective third-down back.

Up next: Big Dead @ Oakland, probably in less ridiculous detail than this. Still trying to figure out what my style needs to be for this.