All right, the stage is set, the TiVo and Blogger (for what it's worth) are running, Al Saunders has just thrown the ceremonial 2-yard smoke pass... it's time to launch the 2010 Preseason Challenge! As always, we begin with the Hall of Fame Game, which somehow landed NBC a game between two of the league's most obnoxious teams, the Cowboys and the Bengals. Can the Cowboys' 4th-stringers outplay Cincinnati's 4th-stringers? Will the Bengals reap home-field advantage from a game in their home state? Or will they have too many players arrested by halftime to be able to stay in it? These answers, and more, to follow...
Yeah, so I'm on like a 3-hour delay. Sue me.
FIRST QUARTER
Well, it took approximately 0.03 seconds for Andrea Kremer to find Chad JOHNSON and Terrell Owens on the sideline. More likely, it took them 0.02 seconds to find a camera on the sideline. So, T.O. is Batman, and Chad is Robin. First of all, gay. Second, Chad knows Robin was totally the second fiddle of the Dynamic Duo, right?
Dallas starts at their 35. Tony Romo rolls right but can't connect with Miles Austin on the near sideline. Pac-Man Jones defended that play, so they mirror it the next play and beat Leon Hall at midfield. Marion Barber and Felix Jones run for another first down on three alternating carries. Am I wrong or is Jones a lot bigger than last year? Holding on Andre Gurode sets the drive back as we learn that Alex Barron is out tonight with an injury. That's pretty hilarious since about the only good thing we ever had to say about him around here was that he never gets hurt. Romo hits Roy Williams over the middle at the 20 for 21 yards on 3rd-and-12, beating a stupid blitz by the Bengals. Bullet pass to Crayton at the 6 beats Pac-Man. Jones fumbles it away at the goal line the next play, but in classic Bengals fashion, DT Jonathan Fanene was lined up offside. Hey, I just realized the slight possibility tonight that Roy Williams could tackle Roy Williams. Romo tries Williams in the end zone a couple of times, and a swing to Jones on 3rd down, but good Bengal pressure forces throwaways. David Buehler chips Dallas ahead from 20. Cowboys 3, Bengals 0
Carson Palmer and the Bengals take over at their 31. Nice cutback run by Cedric Benson for 6 followed by a quick sideline pass to T.O. for 7 more. Illegal motion by Chad takes away another short T.O. reception. Cowboys shut down a Benson draw and excellent pressure by Steven Bowen on 3rd-and-14 forces an incompletion and a Cinci punt.
Cowboys at their 6 after a penalty on the punt return. Jon Kitna has already replaced Romo. Kitna hits TE John Phillips across the 30 on 2nd down. Kitna-to-Phillips again at midfield for 16 on 3rd-and-8. Wait a damn minute, Alex Barron IS in the game. Sure didn't take long for Michaels and Collinsworth to make a blatant mistake, did it? Fanene beats Travis Bright on a stunt to pressure Kitna into a throwaway on 3rd-and-7. Antwan Odom's injured on the play. Barron poked him in the eye. Mat (I'd like to buy a T, please) McBriar's punt is fair caught at the 10.
Carson Palmer stays in for Cincinnati and hits T.O. on the sideline for 10. Cowboys knock down a pass on 2nd down and Bowen flushes Palmer into a sack on 3rd down. Great speed by Bowen, who is owning this game so far. From RDE, he zoomed around left end to get to Palmer. Crap punt goes out of bounds at the Dallas 45.
Fanene gets to Kitna on first down, burning Barron and knocking the ball out of Kitna's hand, but the Bengals somehow manage not to recover the fumble despite having a guy fall right on it. Fanene and Bowen's fight for player of the game will rage on into the 2nd quarter.
End of first quarter: Cowboys 3, Bengals 0.
We return from commercial with a Dez Bryant package and Jerry Jones checking himself out on camera at least 3 times in his booth. On 3rd-and-13, Kitna hits Kevin Ogletree for first down yardage, but he gets off balance after the catch and gives the first down back. Cripes. McBriar's punt pins the Bengals back at the 9.
Michaels still hasn't shut up talking about Dez Bryant and actually wants us to believe at this point that Dez hasn't heard of rookie hazing in the NFL. That's as likely as somebody taking an office job without knowing what that mysterious black liquid everybody's drinking is. A stunningly quick 3-and-out by the now J.T. O'Sullivan-led Bengals is over before I can even get that last crack typed out. Shockingly, they were trying a bubble screen on 3rd-and-5. FIRST BUBBLE SCREEN OF THE PRESEASON! Are the Bengals even practicing offense in training camp?
Cletis Gordon stupidly lets the ensuing punt roll an extra 12 yards, but these are the Bengals he's up against, and Gibril Wilson even more stupidly hits him late to give Dallas a free 15. Cowboys definitely winning the field position battle, starting this drive again near their 45. Tashard Choice bolts for 21 to the Cinci 30 off a Phillips block. How stupid are the Bengals? The guy across from Barron just jumped offside. Barron appears to get away with a flinch the next play, but the Bengals like the play result better, as Wilson strips somebody called Herb Donaldson for a turnover.
But that's followed by another lousy sequence by O'Sullivan. Blown-up rollout pass, poor pass too high for the TE, holding penalty, and on 3rd-and-20, it's Bowen AGAIN, beating the Bengals with another stunt and grabbing O'Sullivan, who takes a dopey grounding penalty. Dallas takes over near their 45 again after the punt. I'm going to feel free to blame Brian Leonard for that play; he had a shot to chip Bowen but didn't get any of him and ran a route.
Swing pass from Steven McGee to SCOTT SICKO beats a blitz for 12. 10 more to Phillips, then Choice goes around left end and inside the 20. Choice doesn't even remotely get a piece of Michael Johnson the next play, though, and Cincy gets a big 10-yard sack. Ogletree beats another blitz for about 15, but a THIRD-AND-SIX DRAW UNSURPRISINGLY DOES NOT WORK, and the FG team is back for Dallas. Jerry checks himself on camera a couple more times as Buehler Ferrises one in from 34. Cowboys 6, Bengals 0
Pac-Man fumbles the kickoff deep in the end zone but still returns it out to the 30 after fielding the lucky bounce. O'Sullivan misses Jerome Simpson deep down the sideline by a mile on first down. On 3rd-and-10, Jordan Shipley becomes the second receiver tonight to run out of a first down. The Bengals seemingly at an effort to rush the next play and end up with another awful punt that checks up and barely ends up inside the Dallas 40.
McGee hits that Sicko for 7 and then Jesse Holley on the sideline at the Bengal 43. That drive gets no further, though, after a couple of blanks (my new slang for incompletion) and Geno Atkins smoking Pat McQuistan to get McGee for a sack at midfield.
Bengals are pinned inside their 5 after the punt. We may have to rename that part of the field "the Bengal Zone" after tonight. 2:00 warning. The Bengals again fail to escape the Bengal Zone after O'Sullivan misses Andre Caldwell badly on a quick slant on 3rd-and-2. Wasn't a great route by Caldwell, but O'Sullivan is quickly clearing himself a place on the Crappiest Player of the Preseason mantel.
Bryan McCann gets SPLATTERED by Brandon Ghee waiting for the punt to come down. The refs throw a dozen flags, then rule (correctly) that Ghee was blocked into McCann. Not only that, it was a block in the back, by one Teddy Williams. And there was a tripping penalty on the play.
Viva preseason!
Dallas gets nowhere after the punt, with McGee getting flushed out of the pocket a couple of times. Atkins continues to wreak havoc.
Cincinnati at their 32 now with 1:01 to go in the half. This game is hitting the wall early. You know, the first point of a preseason game when you wonder when this freaking ordeal is going to end. O'Sullivan amazingly completes two passes in a row. Brian Leonard, unamazingly, does not get through two consecutive plays without getting hurt. Injured his left foot or ankle. Looks like a sprain. O'Sullivan goes deep with 0:26 left and misses Caldwell by a country mile. McCann swoops over to pick it off at safety, and really, what in Boomer Esiason's name was that? That throw was nowhere close. O'Sullivan is in fact going to be difficult to beat out for Crappiest Player of the Preseason (dis)honors. Dallas kneels out the half.
Halftime: Cowboys 6, Bengals 0.
Buehler starts the 2nd half with a kickoff through the back of the end zone. Jordan Palmer the new Bengal QB with Cordera Eason at RB. Jordan throws a sideline pass to absolutely nobody on 2nd down and overthrows Caldwell on 3rd down. Gordon takes a nasty shot to the head on the punt return, getting his helmet knocked clean off... no flag. Ron Winter's tonight's referee, so no big surprise, really.
McGee scrambles for one first down on 3rd-and-5 and hits that Sicko at the Bengal 40 for another. Good cutback right by Donaldson for 10. The drive dies at the Bengal 30, though, and Buehler pulls it badly left from 49. Still 6-0.
Not content to leave J.T. O'Sullivan unchallenged for Crappiest Player of the Preseason, Jordan Palmer throws a bullet directly to Dallas LB Brandon Williams for an INT. Williams returns it inside the Bengals 10. Wretched would be a generous word to use to describe Cincinnati's offense tonight.
Frostee Rucker deflects a McGee pass, though, and a TWO-yard pass attempt to Sam Hurd on 3rd-and-goal from the FIVE is unsurprisingly useless, a blank, actually, forcing another chippie from Buehler. Cowboys 9, Bengals 0
Another awesome foul-up by Jordan Palmer the next drive. He takes a quick kneeldown on 2nd-and-3, thinking he's caught Jason Williams jumping offsides, but Williams got back. Dallas does jump offside later in the drive, but Cincinnati false starts the next play. Viva preseason! The Bengal drive isn't hurt by penalties, though, as much as it is by the utter inability of their backup QBs to complete a pass more than 5 yards downfield.
Dallas at their 17 after the punt. 14 penalties so far tonight vs. 9 total points. Viva - eh, screw it. This game has been about as exciting as C-SPAN and less rewarding to watch than a fat stripper. Dallas' 2nd down play gets screwed up by a high snap, with Michael Johnson getting away with what looked like a horse-collar tackle on McGee. He sure went down that way. McGee survives the drive, though, but it's a 3-and-out.
Cinci at their 31. A rare moment of excitement as Matt Jones wheels away from awful coverage by Jamar Wall on a short out and goes upfield for 30. Wait a minute, the Bengals have Pac-Man Jones AND Matt Jones? Is there ANY criminal, drug fiend or other kind of malcontent this franchise doesn't feel compelled to suit up?
Oh, here's my answer. Lindsey Lohan is now behind center for Cincinnati. She play-fakes to Robert Downey Jr. and hits Charlie Sheen on the smoke route for 3 yards. Bengals could have used a better block from Charles Manson there.
Seriously, I think the Bengals would sign O.J. Simpson today if they could figure out a way to spring him.
Palmer hits Jones again for 6 on 3rd-and-5 as the Bengals actually approach the red zone. Two plays later, a hold on Anthony Collins takes care of that. Leave it to Mizzou to make up for KU's shortcomings, though, as Chase Coffman hauls in a Palmer pass for a first down on 4th-and-17.
End of third quarter: Cowboys 9, Bengals 0.
Eason opens the 4th quarter by putting the ball on the ground, and Dallas recovers. He appeared to jar the ball loose with his own knee, and stayed on the ground after the play. Anything to delay going back to the sideline after that foul-up, I guess.
Dallas in action at their 11. Diving sideline catch by Terrell Hudgins keeps the ball rolling. GACK, they lasted three quarters, but we couldn't get through a football broadcast without talking about Brett Favre. No wonder I went comatose at this point and had to pick the broadcast back up on Monday night. After coming nowhere near him on first down, McGee spears a slant pass to Holley on 3rd-and-6 for another first down, at the 37. Frostee roughs McGee the next play for one of the biggest offensive gains of the night. 12 Bengal penalties for 90 yards. They're the new Raiders. Manuel Johnson drops a high slant pass in traffic on 3rd-and-3 to necessitate another punt, which the Cowboys down neatly inside the 1. Cincinnati's real estate has been so bad tonight they should call themselves the Detroit Bengals.
After a run by Joe Trunzo, a man born to be a fullback, Jordan Palmer throws his second patently idiotic throw of the night, directly to LB Brandon Sharpe dropping in coverage, and Sharpe collects one of the shortest pick sixes in league history, seven yards. Jordan Palmer sees the field about as well as Mr. Magoo. Cowboys 16, Bengals 0
Bengals will try again from their 23 with 9:16 left. After Eason gains 5, proof that you can throw at Jamar Wall forever comes when Matt Jones makes him look absolutely stupid on a simple square out for 7. Dallas rallies, though, batting down a pass on first down and with Victor Butler coming up the middle to sack Palmer on 3rd down. Yes, he was stunting, and LG Otis Hudson was a complete embarrassment, unable to even hold Butler effectively.
Cowboys moseying on from their 20 with just under 7:00 left. New QB Matt Nichols immediately drops a perfectly good shotgun snap. Atkins follows that by stuffing Lonyae Miller, and a short pass to that Sicko brings in the punt team. Electrifying football here.
Bengals at their 34, just inside 5:00 to go. Palmer to Dez Briscoe for 12. He takes a hard lick after scrambling the next play, but unfortunately for Cincinnati, isn't injured. Jones can't collect an inaccurate sideline pass. But at least they tried to go downfield on 3rd-and-11, though Jones can't get both feet in bounds. The refs can't get the call right, though, and though he clearly doesn't want to, Wade Phillips just can't resist the urge to challenge the play. So we're reviewing a play with 3:15 left in a 16-0 preseason game. I've always been a glutton for preseason punishment, and we're getting plenty of it tonight. Play does not stand, and Cinci punts with 3:15 left.
Dallas at the 20. Just run out the clock, for the love of God. Yes. Miller gets in two carries for almost ten leading up to the 2:00 warning. Pat Sims stops him emphatically on 3rd and short, though. Shipley breaks a couple of tackles and brings the punt back 64 yards inside the 2. Awful arm tackle attempt by Wall on the play, and suddenly the Bengal QBs have competition for Crappy Player of the Preseason. Wall wouldn't make the Rams.
2nd-and-goal with :43 left, the Bengals make a 2-yard TD pass about as difficult as you possibly can. Palmer rolls right and hits TE Darius Hill in the back of the end zone to put Cinci on the board. Dallas LBs never picked him up; just let him run free. In the end zone. Marvin Lewis correctly does NOT go for two. Cowboys 16, Bengals 7
Wall fair-catches the kickoff, the only thing he did right tonight, and Dallas grinds off the last of the clock.
Final score: Cowboys 16, Bengals 7.
Player of the game: Steven Bowen was the defensive star in a dominating defensive effort for Dallas. Atkins, who I didn't even realize is a rookie, was at least as impressive for the Bengals, but they didn't win.
What did we learn: Not a damn thing. Brian Leonard can't stay healthy? Knew it already. Alex Barron can't block? Knew it already. Both teams looked strong up the middle defensively and did a good job stopping the run. McGee is a far sight better a backup QB than O'Sullivan or Jordan Palmer, who are basically stealing money in Cincinnati. Bengals commit too many penalties and need to work on picking up stunts. A lot.
Finally, too many more games like this one and I may not make it out of preseason alive.
Up next: Panthers @ Ravens Thursday night.
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