OK, we're ready now to undertake the most ambitious sub-challenge of any Preseason Challenge: a preseason football QUINTUPLE header, beginning with the undefeated Detroit Lions visiting Cleveland, who are still looking for their first score of the summer.
I think I used that last phrase a lot in high school.
The Lions have had to sign an emergency kicker due to an injury due to an injury to Jason Hanson, and that kicker is named... Swayze. Waters. That spelling is correct. We may have our first NFL player named after Patrick Swayze! Dare I hope?
Cleveland's drought may not have lasted long. Joshua Cribbs gets a huge gap at the 20, has no Lion come near him except SWAYZE at midfield, who he easily eludes, and fires up the near sideline for a 95-yard return TD. That looked like a real man vs. boys play.
Oh, forget it, Cleveland was flagged for holding and we're coming all the way back to the 27. Viva preseason! Derek Anderson starts at QB and hits Mohammed Massaquoi at midfield. Braylon Edwards does a terrible job keeping his feet in bounds after being open behind Philip Buchanon by three yards and turns a 30-yard throw into an incompletion on 2nd down. Anderson responds by firing to Cribbs over the middle for about 20. Anderson's suddenly 1999 Kurt Warner again. Smoke route to MIKE FURREY is good for 15, then, since he did anything of note against a former team, he has to be a real jackass and make an exaggerated first-down signal. Hey, Furrey, a first down in a meaningless preseason game, against this defense, is SQUAT to crow about. I'm pretty sure me and a handful of flag football buddies could drive into FG position against the Lion D. Lawrence Vickers plows off right tackle for 11 more, and Cleveland's at the 4. Make it the end zone, with Jamal Lewis driving in off left tackle through a huge hole. The Lion defense might as well not even have been there.
Cleveland 7, Detroit 0.
Matthew Stafford starts at QB for Detroit. A penalty on the kickoff return has them starting behind their 10. Stafford rolls right, fires to an outside receiver...
And looks like a complete idiot for not seeing Eric Wright, who wasn't really even in any "weeds" to hide and picks off the idiot rookie pass DIRECTLY TO HIM for an interception. He weaves crossfield with the INT return all the way down to the Detroit 5.
Then gets a penalty for having trotted into the end zone and taken a big bow before the Dawg Pound. Cleveland's backed up to the 20.
What the hell is going on with the celebration flags in the NFL this year? You can't celebrate anything now? That bow has to be the tamest celebration that's ever been penalized. If Chad Johnson scores a TD this year, is he going to draw about six flags and force the Bengals to kickoff from their goal line?
Looking every bit like an 0-16 team, AGAIN, so far, the Lion defense at least stiffens after the INT and holds the Browns to a Phil Dawson FG.
Cleveland 10, Detroit 0.
Avion Cason drops the kickoff in the end zone and has to take a knee. Detroit at the 20. A couple of Kevin Smith runs get them a 3rd-and-2, then Stafford rolls right, can't find anybody and nearly gets picked off again throwing the ball away. Like the Rams, it's been a night-and-day two weeks so far for Stafford.
Oh my God, this is rifuckingdamndiculous. Cribbs takes the punt at the 15, cuts right into a huge lane, cuts left into another huge lane, stiffarms Darnell Bing, the only Lion who even entered his area code on the play, to the ground at midfield, and Goes. All. The. Way. for an 85-yard punt return TD.
The Detroit Lions are the most brutal football team I have ever seen. Scott Linehan's been there for just two games!
Cleveland 17 (on their way to 142), Detroit 0.
Cason provides Detroit's excitement for the night with a return out to the 29. Smith tries to bounce a run outside but LB Alex Hall stuffs him for a loss. Smith tries the right side and gets stuffed over there by Kamerion Wimbley. Linehan ingeniously calls a 5-yard hitch route on 3rd-and-10, and shockingly, it does not get the first down. Detroit thanks God Cribbs now has the night off, and his replacement Gerard Lawson takes it back to just the Cleveland 24.
Most of Detroit has to have changed the channel to America's Most Wanted by now. Insert joke about how to see your relatives on TV here.
Anderson rolls and hits Edwards on a deep post at the Detroit 40 for about 36 more yards. There are guys in the field in white jerseys and silver pants, but Detroit doesn't appear to be fielding ANY defense tonight, either. Buchanon was behind Edwards a good five yards. And then knocked himself silly on the tackle.
Ladies and gentlemen, your Detroit Lions!
Massaquoi gets held by Anthony Henry, a penalty which likely saved Detroit another TD, because the rookie was open by five yards even after the hold. DPI, actually, which sets Cleveland up at the Lion 22. Lewis gets five on a couple of runs, but a Lion blitz gets to Anderson to throw off his attempt at another TD throw. Dawson hits about a 35-yard FG, slowing Cleveland's scoring pace tonight down to 120 points now. Seriously. They're scoring two points a minute. Or more accurately, Detroit's giving up 2 points a minute.
Cleveland 20, Detroit 0. Still 4:23 left in the FIRST quarter.
Detroit starts this drive from their 22 after - unleash the Seinfeld jokes - Blake Costanzo tackles Cason on the return. Smith goes nowhere on 1st down, Stafford's 2nd down pass to John Standeford is too high and incomplete, but Stafford and Smith beat an ridiculously unnecessary blitz out of a TEN man front for 10 and a first with a screen pass. Smith gets 9 on first down, but in true Lion fashion, they mess up the handoff on 2nd down for a 3-yard loss. Corey (Should Still Be A Ram) Ivy breaks up a pass to Adam Jennings to force another Nic Harris punt. Lawson bounces the return outside and gains about 20 before being taken down by a helmetless Cliff Avril. That may have just been a bus driver off the street the way the Lions special teams are playing.
Anderson to Eric Heiden for about 20 to the Lion 47. Detroit has slowed down the run a little tonight but they are helpless against the pass. A screen to Robert Royal beats a blitz and comes a hair from breaking for another TD. It'll be third and inches instead when we start the 2nd quarter.
End of first quarter: Cleveland 20, Detroit 0.
The Browns color man mistakenly called the TE on the last play "Darrell Royal", whom I also don't doubt could get open against the Lion secondary tonight for at least 20 yards. The Lions could replace Philip Buchanon with Patrick Buchanan, and Anthony Henry with Thierry Henry, and it would IMPROVE their pass coverage. Possibly crying on the sideline that he ever had to come out of a game against this defense, Anderson's replaced by Brady Quinn, who gets sacked after Eric Steinbach blows a block badly against Jason Hunter. Lions actually force a punt here, and may even hold the Browns under 80 points tonight.
Stafford starts this drive from the 20. A Smith run gets nowhere, and Stafford fires way high for Standeford again on 2nd down. He's 6'4", Matthew, not 8'4". Stafford does hit Standeford over the middle for 12, but Abram Elam appears to strip it out for a turnover. Lions HC Jim Schwartz challenges the play, for which I don't blame him. Standeford looked awful close to being down. In fact, on replay it appears that he was, and the Browns broadcast crew agrees. Jerome Boger overturns the call, to the chagrin of all that had 75 and the over tonight. Stafford nearly throws ANOTHER INT, failing to see LB Eric Barton in the weeds. Barton drops it, but Standeford returns the favor on 2nd down by brutally dropping a pass Stafford fires right before getting drilled. OPI on Adam Jennings erases a falling catch of a deflection by Derrick Williams. Linehan calls a surrender dumpoff to Smith and Detroit's punting again. I can't fault Jennings for trying on the OPI; has any receiver besides Standeford been open for Detroit tonight? He's sure the only guy Stafford's looking for.
Think I can slow down the narrative here. I really hit my groove in the Seattle-Denver game last night, then made the mistake of going to bed.
Aw, damn, NFL Network just ran the highlights of all of last night's games without a spoiler alert! Quinn fires to Brian Robiskie for 24 to midfield. Quinn to Furrey for 20 on 3rd-and-5 sparks another jackass celebration. THAT's not a penalty, but taking a bow in the end zone is? Came back due to an unrelated penalty anyway, and the Browns will punt. DANE LOOKER lets the punt roll into the end zone for Detroit. Go Dane!
Seriously, Furrey, it's that important to you to rub every preseason catch you make in Detroit's faces? You know they went 10-38 with you, right?
Stafford rolls right and misses Jennings by a freaking mile, blowing what should have been an 80-yard TD because Jennings was behind the whole Brown secondary at midfield. He hits Looker over the middle on 3rd down, but Dane's held up a yard short. Lawson fumbles the punt and is lucky to come back up with it.
I'll be seeing the NordicTrak commercial here a lot during the Preseason Challenge. Why do I get the feeling Jillian Michaels also gives the order "GIVE ME 40 PERCENT, NOW" during sex?
Quinn and the Browns from the 28. Make it the 18 after a hold on new Brown JOHN ST. CLAIR, his second penalty of the half. Julian Peterson tips a throw to save a deep cross to Cribbs from being completed. James Davis rolls off left tackle for 15, though, and Ernie Sims helps Cleveland out by jumping into the neutral zone WAY early attempting to time a blitz. 3rd-and<1, which Davis gets. My God this Lion defense is bad. The Browns can't convert the next third down with a short pass to Furrey, who does not get five Lions making exaggerated fourth-down signals in his face after the play. Culpepper takes over for Detroit at the 15. Hey, Linehan's establishing the running game, as they gain a first down on three straight runs. May be the first time I've seen three straight runs this preseason. In the first half, anyway. Looker's WIDE open in the zone for 20 to the Lion 45. 2:00 warning.
Gamer, the movie for people who thought Running Man was too realistic.
Illegal contact by Wright covering Looker, who still made the diving catch at the Cleveland 47. The Cleveland color man's Bernie Kosar? He sounds like Don West of TNA. Another first down to Eric Fowler. Lions attempting to get into hurry-up mode, 1:15 left. Linehan's really giving Looker a lot of chances. They've gone his way five times already. The Browns stuff a 4th-and-1 Cason run, with Looker missing a block badly, to kill the 2:00 drive. David Veikune with the tackle. Looker dove at him and didn't even touch him.
Leave it to Scott Linehan to design a short-yardage run that needs a key block from Dane Looker to succeed, though. That's Classic Linehan on 4th-and-1 here the last three years.
ANDERSON is back in for Cleveland with :49 to go. His spectacular night ends on a sour note with a pass that goes off Davis' hands and caroms to Detroit's William James for an INT. The return leaves SWAYZE close enough to try a 51-yard FG.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER! SWAYZE hits the long ball to put Detroit on the board at the gun.
Halftime score: Cleveland 20, Detroit 3.
Costanzo drops one of last week's stars, Aaron Brown, at the 20 on the kick return to start the 3rd. SERENITY NOW! Culpepper and Cason still the Detroit backfield; Looker also still in the game. Cason fumbles a screen pass to Mike Adams at midfield for another Detroit miscue. In a clash of former Rams, Corey Ivy gets credit for forcing the fumble.
I'm now getting my first look this preseason at BRETT RATLIFF. Doesn't sound like he was the second coming of Kurt Warner last week, with two interceptions. The Browns just hand off to Davis three times and punt. WHAT WAS THE USE OF THAT? You start a drive on the opponent's side of midfield and run three times?
Looker's in his former Rams role of hands punt returner near the goal line. Culpepper starts this drive from the 9. 12 to Cason in the flat. Looker gets revenge on Veikune by smashing him with a crackback block. That's one of the most awesome phrases in the English language, btw. "Crackback block." Just saying it evokes physicality and pain. Looker gets 14 on the sideline on 3rd-and-2. Aaron Brown now the Lion tailback. Coye Francies breaks up a 2nd down pass to Looker, and a 3rd-down smoke to Derrick Williams gets nowhere to force a punt near midfield.
Furrey returns the punt about 15 yards to the 22. Ratliff, who the Kosar calls "Radcliffe" (he sure doesn't look like Harry Potter to me) hands off AGAIN before throwing short of Lance Leggett on 2nd down. Detroit blows up the screen and Cleveland punts again. Welcome to Heartbreak Hill.
A Cleveland penalty costs them 35 yards of field position after Zastudil follows a 60-yard punt with a 35-yarder. Viva preseason. Culpepper's pass from midfield is knocked down at the line. Kaluka Maivia puts the smackdown on Brown's ass after a 5-yard reception. Hank Poteat blankets Billy McMullen and breaks up a deep pass with a near-INT despite a 6 or 7-inch height disadvantage, TYE HILL.
Ratliff can't find an open man and gets creamed scrambling at the 24. Kosar says he missed open receivers galore there, and he takes a sack the next play. Sadly, it looks like we can cancel that order for a Ratliff plaque in Canton. Yep, cancel the plaque and start making calls around the Arena League. Ratliff never feels the rush coming, gets stripped by Dewayne White from behind and gives up a fumble. A year after looking like the next Kurt Warner in New York, Brett Ratliff looks like complete, absolute crap in Cleveland. Maybe David Clowney was the real diamond in the rough for the Jets last preseason.
Drew Stanton comes off the bench for Detroit and immediately fires a TD pass to a very-open TE Carson Butler in the end zone. First pass tonight by the Linehan offense to a tight end. 20-yard TD.
Cleveland 20, Detroit 10.
RATLIFF COMPLETES A PASS! to Robiskie for 8, then sneaks across the Brown 21 for his first 1st down of the night. On 3rd-and-12 from the 19, DAVIS TAKES A SURRENDER HANDOFF 81 YARDS FOR A TD. The weakside linebacker misses him badly in the hole, he bounces outside and picks up a block from Leggett that might have been a hold, gets another WR block, a nice one, from Jordan Norwood, and has the pretty simple challenge of outrunning Stu Schweigert for 50 yards to the house. Good night, Detroit.
Stanton takes over at the 11 after Derrick Williams is basically tackled by his own man on the return.
End of third quarter: Cleveland 27, Detroit 10.
The Browns broadcast skips a play and we come back to see Stanton scramble for a first down to the 23. Stanton drills a pretty sideline pass to Anquan Boldin's little brother D.J. at midfield for another first. Getting nothing like the room he had to roam last week, Brown gets 9 on two runs and Stanton sneaks across for another first. That's where the drive winds up, after Detroit holds on 3rd-and-6 and then lets Cleveland get away with stupidly blitzing on 3rd-and-16. The Browns are offside on the punt, which emboldens Schwartz into giving SWAYZE a crack at a 53-yard FG. He doesn't hit it, sadly. 8:32 left.
Ratliff's out at QB, replaced by Richard Bartell. He overthrows a wide-open Leggett flying down the near sideline for what should have been a TD. A couple of handoffs to Noah Herron, one of many mediocre RBs the Rams run defense once found unstoppable for a week, don't get much and Dave Zastudil's back out. Again, a penalty costs Cleveland huge in field position, 20 yards this time, by erasing a super first punt.
Lions at the 25. Jerome Fulton rumbles up the middle for 14. Brown gets 7 on a screen pass that should have beaten a Cleveland blitz a lot worse - where's the speed and cutback ability we saw last week? Boldin gets the first down from Stanton, 15 yards to the Brown 39. Looker drops a pass on 1st down, followed by Stanton firing a poor deep ball while hit by Veikune on 2nd down. Cleveland blows up a screen but Detroit's going for it on 4th-and-10. Boldin can't dig out the low fastball and Cleveland gets the ball back with 4:36 left.
We complete our tour of ex-Rams tonight with a Ryan Tucker sighting after a first-down Charles Ali run. A Kirk Quarterman hold revokes Herron's 34-yard run. End around to Paul Raymond, whom the play-by-play announcer misidentifies twice, gains over 20 yards across midfield. Raymond was cut by the Jets after his muffed punt proved the decisive play in the Rams' win there Week 1. Cleveland's just grinding out the clock now in Detroit territory, and God bless Jim Schwartz, and even Linehan, for not uselessly spending timeouts here. 2:00 warning is here.
Cleveland eventually goes for it on 4th-and-5 at the Lion 35 and fools the entire football world with a bootleg left with Bartell. The first down sets up victory formation, and we're outta here.
Final score: Cleveland 27, Detroit 10.
MVP: Man-among-boys return specialist Josh Cribbs for an 85-yard punt return TD and a 95-yard kickoff return that was called back. A dominant performance, and Cribbs looms as a difference-maker that can keep the Browns in games by himself this season.
What did we learn: Preseason is fickle. Browns fans were in the dumps last week but are feeling high now. Cribbs may finally be stepping out of Devin Hester's shadow. Anderson was back in the 2007 groove he never had in 2008. On the other hand, they didn't have a sack, Brady Quinn was just so-so, Braylon Edwards looks off and one-time flavor of the month Ratliff has spoiled and gone rancid. Lions fans who had hope after last week's win lost it all after a performance that makes it look like the Lions will lose 17 games in 2009. Let's quit kidding ourselves about Stafford: the mental part of his game needs a LOT of improvement before Detroit should consider starting him instead of Culpepper. The Lion defense is a disaster, especially the secondary. Throw deep on the Lions this year all you want. But Looker sure took a big leap over a mediocre pack and should be the lead candidate for their fifth receiver.
Up next: A quick lunch break before cutting over to Carolina-Miami at noon.
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