Game 10: Buccaneers 17, Dolphins 6

Imagine my disappointment to find out the 3:00 NFL Network game isn't Colts at Panthers after all... it's the all-Florida matchup of two of the worst and most boring teams to watch in preseason, the Bucs and the Miami Dolphins. This one's going to go down hard...

Craig Bolerjack, Nat Moore and Bob Griese are the first half TV crew, for Miami, natch.

Tampa kicks off and Miami returns the ball just out to the 20. The sideline camera man for the Miami broadcast is apparently the same guy who shot "Cloverfield". On my way to get some Dramamine now. The much-smaller-than-I-realized Ronnie Brown nets no yards on two plays, then Derek Hagan drops a John Beck pass on third down.

I know he's gone from Miami now, but that last drive was CAM-TASTIC!

Dolphins sack Luke McCown, or as Griese says, "McCowan", on Tampa's very first play for -8. McCown throws it nearly right to Dolphin DB Yeremiah Bell on third down. Incomplete.

GRU-DERRIFIC!!

Dolphins start at their 15 after the punt. They gain 21 on swing passes to fullbacks Reagan Mavia and Boomer Grigsby, formerly of HBO's Hard Knocks. Beck has a funky release and isn't terribly accurate, but he throws a nice ball to Ted Ginn Jr. on the sideline here. Dolphins have crossed midfield. The drive ends right there, though, with a blown screen pass and a deflected pass on 3rd-and-6.

Bucs get pinned at the 9 by the punt. Michael Bennett appears to be the starting RB. He runs twice for 8 before a poor sideline pass by McCown on 3rd-and-2.

GRU-DE-LICIOUS!

Dolphins take over at about their 42. Pot-smoking headcase Rickey Williams enters the game to a huge ovation, then rips off about 13 yards his first two carries. A Hagan holding penalty sets the drive back, and Ronde Barber classically finishes the drive off with a blitz sack. Punt rolls into the end zone.

Michael Clayton drops a perfect 20-yard pass from McCown. Short pass to TE Gilmore for 6. McCown gets all night to hit Bennett for 7 and Tampa's first 1st down. Tampa strings together three more first downs and is across midfield when the first quarter expires. One thing they fail to do is snap the ball while Miami's in the middle of a mass substitution and appear to have 30 men on the field. How come nobody can catch the defense offside or with too many men any more?

(sarcasm) Shockingly, (/sarcasm) a scoreless game after one.

First down Bucs at the Miami 48. McCown's nearly picked off downfield when his receiver falls. After a 1st down by Clayton, Reggie Torbor breaks up a pass for Bennett thrown after McCown scrambled around for about a mile. McCown hits a TE Bolerjack won't identify down to the 20 for another 1st down. Tampa's not trying much to run in this stretch. Another dink to Bennett's good only for 2, so McCown faces a big 3rd-and-8, where he airmails an end zone post route well over Clayton's head. Matt Bryant, incredibly enough, yaks on a 36-yard FG attempt to keep this gridiron classic scoreless.

GRUD-IFICENT!

GOD, I HATE BOTH OF THESE TEAMS!

Chad Henne takes over as Miami QB. Williams surges through a nice lane in the middle for 11. Completion to David Kircus puts Miami at midfield. Fellow toker Aqib Talib's shoestring tackle prevents a very big gain for Williams. 6 yards/carry for Williams tonight. Henne spears Kircus over the middle for 20. Patrick Cobbs replaces Williams and gains 1 on 1st down. Henne has to throw away a couple of times, and backup kicker Carpenter sneaks in a 42-yard FG to give Miami a probably insurmountable lead, 3-0.

Popup kick hems Spurlock in at his 20. Brian Griese now behind center for Tampa. He hits Gilmore for an apparent first down. More passing. Gruden apparently does not intend to run this season.

This Miami broadcast is as awful as the Rams' last night, btw. Bolerjack can't be bothered to identify the receiver or ballcarrier on most plays. Bob Griese and Moore just ramble on about whatever they want to talk about.

Tampa crosses midfield and converts a 4th-and-1, then calls a timeout six seconds before the 2:00 warning would have stopped the clock anyway.

GRUD-PENDOUS!

Bucs go for it again on 4th and 1. Kenneth Darby pops through a hole on the right side to get loose for another first down. Tampa dinks, dinks, dinks its way down to the 18 for another first down. They must be averaging 2.5 yards a play. This drive is 17 plays long already. 0:26 left in the half. Maurice Stovall breaks down to the 3. Griese sort-of fakes a spike play, but the timing pass is incomplete. With just three seconds left in the half, Griese hits Brian Clark in the end zone for a 3-yard TD. They went 80 yards in 19 plays to take a 7-3 lead going into halftime.

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I hate to say it, but Ganja Boy was probably the star of the first half for either team. Philip Merling also got his name called a ton of times for the Dolphins. As far as QB, I think Henne is a far better QB than Beck right now, but would give the job to Pennington as soon as he's ready. The only players in Tampa uniforms I would dare say impress me are Derrick Brooks and Ronde Barber, and that's because of their careers, not anything they did tonight. Tampa Bay preseason football continues to be one of the most boring institutions ever created by man.

Hopefully things will liven up a bit with Chris Myers on Tampa's side of the call. Dexter Jackson returns the kickoff to the 25. That's the second-rounder from Appalachian State, not the former Super Bowl MVP. SonofaQB night continues as Chris Simms takes over for the Bucs. Simms is hit on the arm as he throws and fires an air ball on 3rd down for a 3-and-out.

Miami tries their best to cough up the punt but will take over at their 21. They pretty much three and out, as Tampa whacks Henne around some, and ER-nest WIL-ford sure as hell isn't helping his QB out by dropping passes.

Bennett is back in the game, and runs for about 10 on first down, helped by some sloppy Miami tackling. A very low Simms pass to Bennett and a handoff to tiny Clifton Smith move the Bucs across midfield. The Dolphin defense simply can't get off the field right now, snowed by Gruden's evil arsenal of dinks and dunks. 3rd-3 from the Miami 36, Simms hits Chad Lucas for 6. The Bucs get down to the 25 before Miami finally comes up with a big play, a sack by Roderick Wright at the 35. Bryant's 52-yard attempt is wide right. Scratch him off my list of potential FFL kickers.

The Dolphins get great field position at the 41 and take one run to get across midfield. I will have to guess the RB's name spelling as Caleb Parmalee. A couple of plays later, Jimmy Wilkerson hammers Henne for a sack, forcing 2nd-and-23 and a "dangling Chad" crack from Myers. Let's freshen up the material, eh? Henne drills a 3rd-and-18 completion to Anthony Armstrong for 21. Dolphins are at the Tampa 34. 2 incompletions later, the Bucs flush Henne for a short scramble. Dan Carpenter strokes the 49-yarder to give us a 7-6 ballgame.

These two football teams, in almost three quarters, have scored one point more than the baseball Cardinals did yesterday. Just sayin'.

Bennett remains in the game with Simms. Randy Starks sacks Simms after a short Bennett gain on first down. On 3rd-13, Simms hits Spurlock with a pretty pass, threaded between two defenders, for 16.

Bucs have 3rd-4 from the 42 to start the 4th quarter. Simms hits Lucas at midfield for a first. 3rd and 4 two plays later, Dexter Jackson gets a quick hitch and speeds off with it for 9. Bennett comes up with a huge play, bouncing a run outside and breaking tackles for a 32-yard gain down to the 1. He comes up just short on first and goal, and gets submarined for a loss on 2nd-and-goal, before going back to what works on third down, bouncing the run outside and right for a fairly effortless TD. Tampa Bay 14, Miami 6. That was a 13-play, 76-yard, 7:13 TD drive sponsored by "Beef O'Brady's", and I am totally leaving the house right now and driving as far as I have to to find a place called "Beef O'Brady's". Go meat!

Dolphins are backed up at their 12. It's now BrotherOfAQB night, as Josh McCown enters the game at QB. They get a good third down run called back by a hold. McCown is smacked while he throws on third down for an incomplete dead duck. A 30-yard punt return by Clifton Smith sets the Bucs up in Miami territory.

Josh Johnson is the new Tampa QB. Bucs start at the Miami 43. That's how many TDs Johnson had in college last year, vs. one, yes, one, interception. He hits Cortez Hankton for 15; nice stretch by Hankton to come up with it. They get down to the 15 to set up the put-this-thing-to-bed-will-ya FG attempt for Bryant, which he does hit, putting the Bucs ahead 17-6.

Armstrong rips out to the 43 with the kickoff return, but Miami 3-and-outs, hopefully ending this thing.

The Bucs just keep banging with Bennett, who's very surprisingly still in there, but WITH 1:42 LEFT, THE DOLPHINS CALL TIMEOUT. MAY TONY SOPRANO ROT IN HELL.

ANOTHER MIAMI TIMEOUT as the Dolphins stuff another run and force a punt. MAY CARMELLA, MEADOW AND ESPECIALLY A.J. ALSO ROT IN HELL.

Bucs sack McCown at the 10. This game has depleted too much of my life force for me to care. THE DOLPHINS USE THEIR LAST TIME OUT AFTER A FALSE START TO PREVENT THE LAST TEN SECONDS OF THE GAME FROM RUNNING OUT. POSSIBLY EVER.

May all Miamians and all their future generations ROT IN HELL FOR TONY SOPRANO'S SINS.

Bucs win, 17-6. Stat of the night: the Buccaneers committed no penalties.
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Well, the Bucs and Dolphins have done it again: held a preseason game so mind-numbingly boring my major life functions actually began to shut down. Tampa's announcers were thrilled with their QBs; not me, so much - can't anybody come in and throw ninety straight 4-yard routes? The fans voted Michael Bennett player of the game, which I'll go along with. The weird thing was Gruden having him in until the very end of the game. At a minimum, isn't he their second-best back right now? Miami's stories to me were Henne, who I think already is clearly superior to Beck, and Rickey Williams, who looks rarin' to go and has to be considered a player to watch.

WHY THE FUCK DOES NFL NETWORK HAVE THE JETS GAME BACK ON? COLTS-PANTHERS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON! WHEN ARE THEY SHOWING THAT NOW? WHY THE FUCK CAN'T THEY STAY ON THE SCHEDULE THEY POST ONLINE?

Funny thing, I still need to watch the 4th quarter of the Jets game, so I'm doing that and then picking up what's SUPPOSED TO BE Denver-Houston on NFLN at 9pm.