At the same time, I'm putting RamView up on the website and keeping an eye on the happenings on NFL Network, so they don't try to screw me over with a schedule change.
Greg Papa and Tom Flores will call the game for the Oakland side. The sideline reporter is John Tournour, who I refuse to identify by his juvenile radio sports jock nickname. People like me must demand formalities in some areas, lest we be presented some day with TV war correspondents going by names like "DJnewzHawk" or "huggybear69".
Allen Rossum returns the opening kickoff for SF to the 26. JT O'Sullivan starts at QB. Frank Gore powers through a tackle for 4. Isaac Bruce will not play for the Whiners. Wish that sentence would always be true. Kirk Morrison and Tommy Kelly shut down a Gore run up the middle on 3rd down to force a punt. Wait a minute. Isn't this Mike Martz's offense? Where was the reverse to the tight end?
Lousy punt by Andy Lee - only 33 yards. Raiders start at their 31 with JaMarcus Russell at QB. Walt Harris perfectly covers a bomb to Drew Carter, but it was just a free play, because the Whiners jumped offside. 1st-and-5, chaos in the Raider backfield forces Russell to call a timeout. I swear, one of the running backs was running around trying to tell the TE where to line up. Russell needs to take charge back there! Justin Fargas runs through Justin Smith off right tackle for an 11 yard gain.
Raiders face 3rd-and-10 at their 48 when Russell gets tripped up by Ray McDonald for a sack. He'd have run for a big gain had he kept his feet. Rossum returns the punt 13 yards to the Whiner 23.
DeShaun, not Shaun, Greg Papa, Foster, starts right and cuts back for 7. Quick slant to Josh Morgan for 8 and a 1st. Former Ram Robert Thomas bats down an attempted screen pass for the Raiders. O'Sullivan rolls out and has to scramble for 5 because his receiver, Morgan, ran his route right out of bounds. 3rd down brings much, much more wackiness. O'Sullivan steps up into the pocket, wheels and throws a BACKWARD pass jump-shot style to Foster. The Raiders are all over Foster, too, and force a punt, with O'Sullivan being damn lucky the result of that play wasn't a lot worse.
Raiders start from their 10; Fargas gains 3. Lob for Javon Walker is tipped away by Walt Harris, who already looks in regular season form. 3rd-7, quick slant to Johnny Lee Higgins is good for 10. Darren McFadden enters the game for the first time. He slashes up the middle for 4 out of a single-back set. About 3 more for McFadden off the right side. 3rd-3. McFadden's replaced by Fargas, who goes off the left side for 9 behind the unlikely blocking combo of Kwame Harris and Robert Gallery. 5 over the right side again for McFadden. Quick screen to Carter leaves Oakland 3rd and less than a yard at their 47. McFadden sweeps left for 5. Good double block by fullback Justin Griffith to seal the corner. Tully Banta-Cain draws a hold to force Oakland back 10. Draw to McFadden for 7. 4 for Fargas off the right side. Russell throws a crappy pass into the dirt in the general direction of a double-covered TE to force a punt. I hope that was an intentional throwaway, because nothing was right about that play.
Whiners from their 8. Foster gains 4. Draw to Foster is good for 12. Here's a surprise: Mike Martz's offense has to blow a timeout here, with 0:49 left in the quarter. O'Sullivan hits Morgan for 22 as the first quarter runs out.
Second quarter, Whiners have a first down at their 45. Well, Oakland is challenging the catch. The call stands, as replay shows a good juggling effort by Morgan. The next play brings much, much more wackiness. O'Sullivan has to step up, and he fires deep to the goal line, but his receiver cut off his route, meaning the pass is directly to Oakland DB Stanford Routt, who runs crossfield to the 5 and has the ball blasted out of his hand by Arnaz Battle. Joe Staley then idiotically TRIES TO PICK UP THE BALL AND RUN WITH IT. He's an o-lineman, so that's not going to happen. Terdell Sands is smarter and falls on it to give Oakland the ball at their 4.
New Raider QB is Andrew Walter. They bomb away on 3rd-and-3, and Walter's throw for Walker is overthrown.
Whiners take over at their 41. Whiners false start to lose 5, then Routt and Robert Thomas drop Foster behind the line of scrimmage for a loss of 1. 2nd-16. The Oakland broadcast's down-and-distance graphic is routinely off by two yards, are the people in their production truck all drunk? O'Sullivan hits Morgan for 15, but that's followed by a false start on Vernon Davis. 3rd-6. Tom Flores calls the Whiners' offensive coordinator "Mike Marsh". On third down, about three Raiders get to O'Sullivan, who tries to scramble while doing a TERRIBLE job of taking care of the ball (maybe that reminds Martz of Kurt Warner?), and a fumble here is a fair accompli. Raiders take over at the SF 45.
Six for McFadden up the middle, then he drives a pile left for 3. Michael Bush enters the game and pounds down to the Whiner 30. 5 more for McFadden. Now Bush blasts for 7 to the Whiner 18. Frisco's getting dominated on the LOS. Raiders keep running; 2 for McFadden. He tries to bounce the next run outside, but Shawntae Spencer flashes in and shuts him down. On 3rd and 10, Walter throws short to Bush, who comes up a couple of yards short. The Raiders go for it; Bush lollygags the called run right and unsuccessfully cuts it back up the middle. Oakland announcers say the Raiders didn't kick the FG because they don't have Sebastian Janikowski available tonight. Whiners ball.
Tournour the Brick-headed Idiot actually asks Gibril Wilson on the sidelines what it's like to go from the world champions to the Raiders, as if it's an improvement. Gawd, this organization has its ego, after going 4-12 last year. Somebody named Zak Keasey, who may or may not have merry pranksters but does have huge, nasty hippie dreadlocks hanging out of the back of his helmet, gains 4 for the Whiners. Alex Smith is the new QB. 3rd-and-6, he has to scramble for his life and throws one into the ground. Kalimba Edwards got an outstanding jump on that play.
Oh, those NFC West special teams. Johnny Lee Higgins catches a short punt at his 47. He cuts inside the lead gunner and leaves him stupidly grabbing air, gets a well-placed block from #49, (another player not listed on the team or league website) and runs past the punter Lee, the only other 49er who ever got remotely close, for a 53-yard TD, which he finishes off with a cartwheel and a back flip. 7-0, Oakland.
49ers will try to answer from their 37 with 3:19 left. Former Ram kick returner non-extraordinaire Chris Johnson breaks up a poor Smith pass well behind Jason Hill. Another former Ram - Jon Alston - blows what should have been an INT/TD on 2nd down. On both downs the Whiner o-line has let a Raider through to get in Smith's face. Smith moves the chains on 3rd down, hitting Battle for 25. From the Oakland 40, another terrible throw by Smith under pressure is incomplete. Flare to TE Delanie Walker gains 5. 3rd-and-5. They get the snap off right at the 2:00 warning, and it looks like Smith does a good job rolling away from trouble and finding Battle open downfield for 15. A personal foul on Sands should put Frisco on the 10.
My everlasting thanks to the Raiders Network for putting their graphic up every time they come back from commercial. Makes it very easy to know when to stop fast-forwarding. Make it the 13 for Frisco. 2 for Thomas Clayton on a sweep right. Smith dashes up in the pocket and throws a poor pass for Walker, but he catches it for 5, at the 5, with 0:30 left. The Whiners are just letting the clock run! Keasey is on the road to nowhere for no gain. That's 4th-and-1, and the Whiners send in Joe Nedney, who has no problem with the 21-yard FG to make this a 7-3 ballgame, which is how we go into halftime.
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In theory, marginal players make teams with their preseason play, so thumbs up to Oakland DB Stanford Routt and Whiner DB Shawntae Spencer for making a lot more plays than either ever would in a regular season game. It's also a time for young stars to shine: for Oakland, definitely McFadden; for the Whiners, probably WR Josh Morgan. Walt Harris looks ready for the regular season already. JT O'Sullivan, otoh, does NOT look ready for prime time.
Chris Johnson does NOT step out at the 1 on the opening kickoff of the 2nd half; he returns to the 24. Walter rolls left and hits Todd Watkins up the sideline for 20. They advance to the SF 30 mostly by running Bush up the middle. After a penalty, Bush shows surprising speed taking off for 26 with a screen pass down to the Whiner 14. Play action, Walter forces one into a crowd in the end zone and Keith Lewis knocks it down. Doesn't matter - Bush crashes in from the 5 to put Oakland ahead 13-3. WTF? Oakland goes for 2, and Walter hits Chaz Schilens for the conversion. Did they just want practice at that? And are you kidding? CHAZ?
Whiners from their 33. Smith hits Dominique "Zig" Ziegler with a long pass across midfield; Michael Waddell basically carjacks him, ripping the ball out and back for Oakland. Been nice working with you, Ziggy. Alex Smith is a completely different QB when there's no pressure on him.
Louis Rankin gets the Raiders across midfield with an 11 yard run but the Whiners break up a third-down pass after that.
New Whiner QB is Shaun Hill. They take over at their 37. Dorky-looking throw on a quick hitch works for 7. Clayton bounces a run outside for 12. Draw for Clayton is good for 5 inside the Raider 39. Three plays later, Clayton tries to one-hand a swing pass from Hill and doesn't come up with it. USE BOTH HANDS! The Whiners go for it on 4th and 3, Hill darts in and out of trouble then pukes up a STUPID FUCKING PASS deep downfield, well-underthrown for his receiver, and picked off by Hiram Eugene for Oakland, who's probably lucky he wasn't laughing so hard at that pass as to drop it.
That was the last play of the third quarter. Oakland from around their 17, with Marques Tuiasosopo behind center. Rankin EXPLODES through a gap at the LOS, beats an overpursuing LB and a flatfooted safety, and is GONE. Marcus Hudson brings him down after 72 yards with a horse collar tackle, which Peter Morelli rules was not a penalty because the runner broke it??? Pretty stupid rule, then. Raiders from the SF 10. Rankin gets a big hole and surges down to the 5. Rankin gets three more up the middle. 3rd-goal from the 2, Rankin gets stopped inside the 1. Raiders planned to go for it on 4th down but the split end Schilers flinched. 4th-goal from the 6. Aaron Elling hits the short FG to give us an 18-3 game. What happened to not trying FGs because Janikowski was out? Elling's a perfectly capable NFL placekicker.
Big kickoff return by Delanie Walker, of all people, out close to midfield. Shaun Hill, in at QB, throws a good sideline pass to Zig Zeigler, who can't keep his feet in bounds. 9 to Billy Bajema. Hill throws a wounded duck incomplete on 3rd-and-1. Looked like his arm was hit.
SF sideline reporter Kim Coyle asks Patrick Willis if she can crawl under his sideline coat/poncho, to which he says she's more than welcome. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.
Perhaps hearing that, the Raiders jump offside on 4th-and-1. Endaround to Hill for a big gain, about 15. 9 to Ziegler from Hill for another first down. SF's inside the 15. Jason Hill drops a wobbly pass in the corner of the end zone. Josh Shaw sacks Hill on 3rd down to force a FG attempt by Ricky Schmitt, who drills it to make it 18-6.
Rankin returns the kickoff to the 30 with 8:02 left. Marques Tuiasosopo is still hanging around and is in at QB for Oakland. Watkins takes a pass and gets whirligigged at the 48. Gain of 15. Marques scrambles for 4. Jay Moore has made a lot of plays here in the 2nd half, dropping Rankin for a loss here on a sweep right. 3rd-and-7 at midfield. Reggie Smith strips Schilens of the quick slant. Oakland's not punting, though. Well, they call timeout. 6:06 left. Smith then breaks up a low pass - that was Oakland's best play on 4th down? - to give the Niners the ball back at midfield. Idiotic decision and play-call by Oakland. PUNT!
Hill hits Cameron Coleman for 22 yards but a hold takes it back. That sounds like Joe Toledo's second hold of the half. Wait for it. Here it comes.
Holy Toledo.
GUFFAW!
SF announcer calls the 15-yard shovel pass to Clayton a "flea flicker". Hill hits Ziegler for 10 more. Two incompletions and a no-gainer, though, put the Whiners at 4th-and-10. Hill steps out of a big blitz, and not for the first time this series, Robert Ortiz has no idea what to do, and Hill ends up throwing it away into the deep corner of the end zone.
3:19 left, can this thing be over, already????? NO. FRISCO STARTS BURNING FUCKING TIMEOUTS. Marques keeps the ball on a bootleg and sprints off for 45 yards. Game, right? NO, FRISCO BURNS ITS FINAL TIMEOUT. DAMN YOU TO HELL, MIKE NOLAN. DAMN YOU TO HELL.
NOW THERE'S A FUCKING FLAG. SF STOPS THE CLOCK WITH A PENALTY.
Oakland at SF's 30. It'll be third-and-short at the 2:00 warning. OAKLAND IS THROWING, but Marques slips and is sacked by Jay Moore. WHAT A STUPID FUCKING CALL! KEEP RUNNING! NOW OAKLAND CALLS A MOTHER FUCKING TIMEOUT?!? IS THIS FUCKING ABOMINATION OF A GAME EVER GOING TO END?
ONE. OH. NINE. LEFT. Joe Echemandu bangs up the middle for 11 on 4th down, but that's not enough to keep the ball from going back to the Whiners with 60 ticks left.
Great. Frisco used all those timeouts so they'd get a chance to dump a bunch more short passes in bounds and over the middle. A SPIKE WITH ELEVEN SECONDS LEFT, DOWN 12 POINTS!!!! Greyson Gunnheim sacks Hill to END. THIS. FUCKING. GAME.
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You want to know something? Mike Martz didn't "make" Kurt Warner or Marc Bulger like they were talentless hacks before they came to the Rams. Warner had a successful run in Arena League and NFL-E. Bulger had a successful college career. Martz took QBs with talent and turned them into profoundly good NFL QBs.
I mention this because the operating theory in San Francisco seems to be that Martz makes top-notch QBs out of really crappy players, because that's all he's got to work with at QB out there. The Martz factor is negated when you have hacks like JT O'Sullivan and Shaun Hill running the system. Alex Smith is talented enough for Martz to turn around but he has to quit becoming a vegetable when under any pressure whatsoever.
If the Whiners are going to do anything this year, it'll be because of defense, where Walt Harris and Jay Moore made lots of plays tonight. Oakland could already be the #2 team in the AFC West with Russell and McFadden in their backfield.
And with that, Week 1 is over.
I survived.
17 down, 48 to go.
Next game: Saturday night from the Dome, Chargers at Rams.
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