Aaron Rodgers leads the offense out at the 25. They promptly open with a false start.
And Kornheiser has opened up being a complete fucking asshole to Rodgers. There was a good ovation when the offense came out onto the field, and it was obvious to all but the most idiotically stubborn of people that the crowd was supporting Rodgers. This undercut the argument by Kornheiser, lips still firmly planted on BFF's ass, that Green Bay's fans were, or were going to be, quickly wondering how the hell they got stuck with Rodgers when they could have kept Favre.
The offense comes out, and Jaws notes, Rodgers is getting quite an ovation. Kornheiser snots, the Packers are getting an ovation.
This is going to be a long, frustrating broadcast. Is there technology that would know to mute the TV when Kornheiser speaks? Because I really don't want to put up with three hours of this bullshit.
Thanks to a missed blitz pickup by Brandon Jackson, Rodgers' third play is to get creamed from the blindside by safety Dexter Jackson for a huge loss. On 3rd-and-17, Donald Driver bobbles and drops a pass over the middle that would have been a first down.
Bengals start at their 38 after a fair catch. With Rudi Johnson injured, Kenny Watson starts at RB. On 3rd and 6, it's a stupid swing pass to Chris Perry, shut down by Nick Barnett.
But send that ball to the Hall of Fame - Chris Perry survived a play in the NFL without getting injured.
Pack start at their 31 this time. Jackson sweeps left for 3, then loses two trying the right side. Rodgers hits Driver, though, for 10 and a first down.
OK, I AM NOW RE-WATCHING THIS GAME because this fucking piece of shit computer crashed Internet Explorer when I wasn't looking, and Blogger's "autosave" function continues to be entirely imaginary, so forgive me for losing the original detail.
What a fucking fiasco.
From his 41, Rodgers is sacked by Robert Geathers for a 1-yard loss. Draw to Jackson, who jukes and ducks Domata Peko in the backfield and bounces out and up the right sideline for 16. Donald Driver breaks a Marvin White tackle after a short catch and gains 13. 2nd and 8 from the Bengal 30, Rodgers fires one right to Chris Francies, but he lets it bounce off him and to Dexter Jackson for an INT. Far from Rodgers' fault there.
Kenny Watson stuffed in the backfield, sweep right for 5, slightly overthrown bomb into double coverage for Antonio Chatman nearly picked off by Nick Collins. Second 3-and-out for Carson Palmer and the Bengals.
How can BFF get those Wrangler jeans on with Kornheiser's head firmly implanted up his ass?
Quick slant to Driver for 8. From the GB 44, a bomb for James Jones on a deep corner route is just off his fingertips. Jaws actually blames Rodgers, for not putting enough air under the ball. 3rd-and-2, they go right back up top, 32 yards to Ruvell Martin deep down the sideline. At the Cincy 25, Rodgers has to chuck the ball on a blown screen play. Quick slant to Driver for 7, then on 3rd down, Martin's open and breaking back to the first-down marker but Rodgers overthrows him. Mason Crosby rings the bell from 37 to put the Packers on the board first, 3-0.
Bubba Caldwell enters the game to return the kickoff but can't get it across the 20. After which the Bengals three and out AGAIN, with AJ Hawk breaking up a pass to Ben Utecht on 3rd-and-5. They've been talking about Funfundachtzig's egotistical ways this whole possession, and when that last ball hits the ground, the look on 85's face on the other side of the field is priceless. Kudos to ESPN's director and camera crew there.
Packers start at the 25 with Rodgers still in. 3rd and 3, Bengals jump offside. This is where Kornheiser shows just how far up BFF's ass he is when he criticizes Aaron Rodgers' beard. He shouldn't have a beard because BFF had that beard/scruff thing going.
At this point I'd like to criticize Tony Kornheiser for having a job.
No, make that a functioning larynx.
Maybe even a pulse, though I don't really want to go that far. Jaws is too absorbed in X's and O's and technique to call Kornheiser on his ridiculous Favre fellating; Tirico really needs to step in and try to find a way to shut him up.
Another draw to Brandon Jackson gains 22 after he breaks a Pat Sims tackle attempt. Cincinnati's tackling tonight has been atrocious and is going to get worse in a minute here. From the Cincy 41, Driver steps out of a Darryl Blackstock tackle and pops White at the sideline at the end of a 12-yard gain down to the Cincy 25. So you just know White is itching now to lay the wood to somebody.
He does, but what he creates is one of the best touchdown plays ever. Rodgers throws high to James Jones on a quick slant. He makes a nice juggling grab with White and Deltha O'Neal closing, and has to know he's about to get drilled. He braces himself for impact and White bangs him so hard his helmet goes flying. Funny thing is, James ends up still standing while the two Bengals are on the ground. White made no effort to wrap him up; he was just looking for the big hit. Jones straightens up, sees 15 yards of empty space in front of him, and trots into the end zone for a TD, without a helmet.
Awesome. 10-0, Green Bay.
Chris Perry gets a big hole on the left side for a 16-yard gain, and Cincinnati's FIRST 1st down, as we start the 2nd quarter. Ball on the Bengal 40. Palmer still in. Perry gets a first down up the middle at midfield. Referees make a stupid call of fumble here, when it was clearly caused by the ground. Marvin Lewis has to challenge; fortunately, it's successful. Pretty sure the refs tonight are Terry McAulay's crew. Bengals keep the ball, 3rd-and-1 at midfield. Easy 5 for Watson around left end for a first. Dies por Ocho Cinco. Bengal o-line really taking over here as Watson gets 12 off left tackle. Then again, more than likely this is the Bengal starters, who still haven't scored, against the Packer second and third stringers. Nine more for Watson. 2nd-1 from the 13, Palmer finds Utecht all alone at the 5, easy TD makes it a 10-7 game.
Brian Brohm now in the game at QB for the Packers. His throws his first pass into triple coverage and it's picked off by Dexter Jackson. HC Mike McCarthy appears angrier at the intended receiver than anything, but if it's because he cut off his pattern, it wasn't his fault. Deltha O'Neal gave him a forearm shiver in the back that should have gotten a pass interference penalty. Doesn't work out that way, though; Bengals' ball at the Packer 40. Oh, there is a flag. No, it's on the Packers for a late hit. Put the Bengals on the 25 now.
Harvard time! Ryan Fitzpatrick is Cincinnati's new QB. On 3rd-11, he hits Marcus Maxwell short of the first down, but he wheels inside and beats Nick Collins to get inside the 10 and move the sticks. Poor play there by Collins. 2nd-and-goal, Perry bangs off Jarrett Bush and into the end zone for a 7-yard-or-so TD to put Cincinnati up 14-10.
Huh, Kornheiser just said this is the first time he's been to Lambeau Field. Yet all night, he's acted like he knows the pulse of Packer Nation.
STFU.
Packers GM Ted Thompson looks a little like David Byrne. Hey look, it's Suzy! All is right in the world again. Who cares what Palmer says, he's talking to Suzy! 3rd-9 from the Packer 46, Brohm throws high but Martin brings it down for 10.
Carson Palmer doesn't think a team has ever had brothers on it before.
Jack and Jim Youngblood? Not to rip Palmer here; he's probably trying to think of brothers on the same team who were also QBs. I've got nothing off the top of my head there, either. (This apparently hasn't happened, at least in the modern era. Ty and Koy Detmer were both on the same roster at one time with the Eggles but weren't both active.)
Packers don't gain anything across midfield and punt, a brutal shank that traveled maybe 15 yards. Fitz is in charge from there. He runs for his life from 2 Packers and hits Utecht, who muscles forward for 10. 8 to Maxwell over the middle. Perry tries to bounce a middle run outside, and it looks promising for a second, but Bush flashes in and cuts him down for a loss.
2:00 warning. 3rd-and-3 at the Cincy 48. Fitzpatrick can't find anybody and scrambles forward for 5, diving headfirst for the 1st down. Classic Fitzpatrick, if that may be said. He hits Utecht at the 34 and Cincy calls timeout with 1:11 left. Abdul Hodge bats down Fitz's first down pass. Pretty wild throw for Chatman in the flat on second down tipped and incomplete. Fitz tries another headlong dive out of bounds on third down but is a couple of yards short. Shayne Graham converts from 44 to put Cincinnati ahead 17-10 with 0:52 left.
From his 20, Brohm hits Noah Herron for 9, then TE Tory Humphrey for 5. 16 seconds left and the Pack needs lots of yards. Brohm hits Jordy Nelson for a completion out to the Cincy 44, but there's just five seconds left. Hail Mary is incomplete in a dogpile at the 5 yard line.
17-10 Bengals at halftime.
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Usually I'd do a quick halftime summary here, but I'm moving straight to the 3rd quarter in the interest of time.
Penalty on the kickoff is on Green Bay for - a low block? They were the kicking team, not the receiving team. Fitz and the Bengals start at their 35. Packers nicely shut down the naked bootleg screen on 2nd and Fitz loses a yard. Stupid draw play is unsuccessful on third down.
Brohm starts the Packers at their 25 with a no-gain screen pass. Ah, preseason. DeShawn Wynn on a draw for 6. IS EVERY PRESEASON GAME GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT DINK PASSES AND DRAW PLAYS? Looks like I need to lift my moratorium on preseason trick plays. First down pass to Jordy Nelson for about 14. The only other person I can think of with a first name like that is Geordi LaForge. Engage! O'Neal nearly intercepts the third down pass when he breaks it up. Punt plonks in the end zone from midfield.
Perry stopped by Hodge for a 2-yard loss. 2nd-12 handoff, Perry for 4. ANOTHER lengthy BFF discussion ensues in the booth for us on camera. What happened to the game? After a 3-4 minute delay, all that was for a FUCKING SCREEN PASS on 3rd-and-7. Surprise, it comes up short. VERY short punt caught by Nelson with a sliding catch at the 43.
Craig (The Great) Lumpkin loses 2 on a sweep right to start Green Bay's next drive. Packers false start on 3rd-and-4. Suzy interviews Funfundachtzig throughout this possession, and I'm no longer certain he's actually from this planet. Brohm goes long up the sideline on 3rd down, incomplete.
New QB, Jeff Rowe, to start this Cincy drive at their 10. James Johnson loses a couple, incomplete pass up the sideline, STUPID FUCKING SHOVEL PASS for Johnson is incomplete. Do ALL offenses run in preseason have to be so retarded? Can we not throw downfield even occasionally?
Nice punt return by Nelson gets Green Bay out to the Bengal 46. Matt Flynn starts out at QB for the Packers with a sack, losing 4. Poor sideline pass on 3rd down leads us to another punt. Into the end zone. God.
CAN NO ONE KILL A PUNT INSIDE THE 15 YARD LINE ANY MORE?
Rowe scrambles right and hits Bubba Caldwell for 12 on 3rd-and-7, and we're threatening to have a little offense here in the 3rd quarter. Rowe throws a bomb next play, which is picked off by Aaron Rouse, and though a flag flies, it's on Jerome Simpson for OPI. Jaws says Rowe underthrew it. I think I'm figuring out why there aren't more deep passes in preseason.
Packers from their 31. Flynn hits TE Jermichael Finley for a 1st. Look out, Flynn's audibling. It's a two-yard pass in the flat.
ESPN fades out the end of the third quarter with a sideline shot of the Packer cheerleaders, wearing traditional high school/college style uniforms, backed by a row of MALE cheerleaders with megaphones.
Let's just call them a little more conservative than the San Diego cheerleaders.
17-10, Bengals, after 3.
The teams have been throwing short on 3rd-and-long all night, so now on 3rd-and-short, Flynn's throwing long. And incomplete, so Green Bay's punting from midfield for about the fifth straight time.
Bengals from their 43. Suzy's interviewing a fan in the stands. How do I get that gig? Getting interviewed by Suzy, I mean. Rowe hit Simpson for a first down somewhere in that mess. 3rd-and-4 from the Packer 36. Rowe overthrows the fullback in the flat. Sigh. Alfred Malone lights up a "CUT ME" sign over his head by giving the Bengals 15 on the play with a blow to the head. Bengals are 3rd-and-8 again at the 19, AND PITCH OUT. Surprisingly, no first down there. Graham's good from the mid-30s to put Cincy up 20-10.
Green Bay opens shop at the 20 with about 10:45 left. Taking a step too far on the otherside of Kornheiser's nonsense, Jaws is now talking about Green Bay as a "potential dynasty". After nearly three hours, TK finally has a good line: "Yeah, and I'm potentially the King of France". While also giving McCarthy credit for doing a great job to this point. I'll bump Kornheiser's grade for tonight up for that exchange. To F-minus. Packers got one first down on this possession but end up punting from their 40.
Cincinnati ball at their 15. Jordan Palmer enters the game at QB. Maybe if the Rams offered Steven Jackson's sister a job, he'd end his holdout? Just thinking out loud. Johnson's dive on 3rd-and-2 comes up way short, and Cincy's punting with 6:30 left.
Nelson gets the Packers out to the 37 with his punt return. He's looked pretty good at it tonight. Best fan gadget: there's a guy in the crowd wearing a cheesehead with an electronic display scrolling "Monday Night Football". Geek out. None of Flynn's downfield passes have really had any hope of completion. On 3rd and 4, Bengal LB Jim Maxwell does a fine job of shutting down the RB's route in the flat. Packers go for it on 4th-4. Flynn hits Taj Smith at the Cincy 45 for a 1st. That was a tie-goes-to-the-offense kind of play; a Bengal also had his hands on that ball. ESPN announcers are ignoring the game at this point to preview the AFC North. At least they're not talking about BFF. Nice run by the Great Lumpkin for a first down inside the Bengal 30, then Flynn hits Smith again at the 16. Dropped pass by Quinn at the 5 would have made it 1st-and-goal. A third-down screen finally works, as Flynn and Lumpkin work the bubble screen for an 11-yard TD. GO FOR TWO! No, they're kicking, though McCarthy is obligated here to secure a game outcome here that cannot result in overtime. Get with it, coaches!
Green Bay goes for the onside kick but the Bengals recover with 3:01 left. Looks like I'm going to survive this game after all. Three runs get us to the 2:00 warning.
Nelson fair catches the Bengal punt at the 10. Long and incomplete by Flynn on first down. Dump to Jake Allen for 8. Quick slant to Allen for about 8 more. 1:00 left. Lumpkin fumbles after the catch, and the Bengals win the scrum for the ball. Game over.
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For Green Bay, Aaron Rodgers didn't look half-bad. One big kudo is that this was Cincinnati's defense, which is already a good bet to finish outside the top 30 in the league this year. Another big kudo is that the "depth" behind Rodgers, two more rookies, is really, really green, and pretty bad. If/when Rodgers goes down, they're going to have to bring in a veteran. I like Jordy Nelson as a receiving/punt returning threat. For the Bengals, you can finally see why they drafted Chris Perry; the big question now is whether he can stay on the field. Also like how they used Utecht, who I think is an underrated TE. Their defense tackles worse than the Rams would if they were all drunk, though. I'm already smelling a bad year in Cincinnati.
13 down, 52 to go. Next game will be Cowboys-Chargers if NFL Network isn't lying about its schedule, otherwise I'll have to use the JIP version from Saturday. I'm also cognizant that Fox starts Week 2 tomorrow night with Panthers-Eggles, so I'm behind a little bit. Freaking worthless computer isn't helping me there.
At least Blogger didn't eat my post this ti
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